All That I Can Give
by Roving Otter
Summary: After losing the battle against Gaara, Lee sinks into a deep depression. Some shounen ai content in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Lee lay on a narrow table in the center of the room, naked, his lower body covered with a sheet. Two medical ninjas stood over him, their hands wreathed in chakra as tried to repair the damage to his body. Dark bruises mottled every visible inch of his flesh, but his left arm was the worst. It looked like raw meat, red and glistening. A white fragment of bone poked out of his shoulder. Blood stained the sheets and dripped to the floor.

Gai stood in the doorway. The med-nins had told him that Lee was unconscious, that he couldn't feel anything…but as he watched, Lee's face contorted, as if in pain. A faint whimper escaped his throat.

A nurse lay her hand on Gai's arm. "There's nothing you can do for him right now," she said. "Watching will just make it harder on you."

"I won't leave him," said Gai.

She tightened her grip on his arm. "I'm sorry, but if you stay here, you'll just distract the medical ninjas. Let them do their work."

Gai hesitated...then turned and followed her down the hall.

_I could have prevented this. If I'd intervened sooner…_

He gritted his teeth, tears blurring his eyes.

_Lee, what have I done to you?_

* * *

For awhile, there was only pain, saturating his body like a red haze. He didn't know who he was or what was happening to him. There was no room in his awareness for anything but the pain.

It seemed he must die soon. Surely, no one could hurt this much and live. But somehow, he kept living.

Faceless, shadowy shapes hovered over him. Through blurry, dim eyes, he glimpsed bloodstained gloves and glaring lights. Then a voice said, "His heart-rate's going up. He must be regaining consciousness. Give him another dose."

A sting as something sharp pressed into his neck. Then a dark mist crept across his vision, and he sank into nothing.

Time passed. How much, he didn't know, but it felt like a very long time. Sometimes it was dark. Sometimes he saw things, heard things, and didn't know if they were real. Murmured voices flickered through his brain. Fuzzy shapes moved across his field of vision.

He rose through the murky waters of drugged sleep and saw a man's face staring down at him with pain-filled dark eyes.

It seemed he should know the man's name. He grasped for it with his mind, but it kept slipping away. Try as he might, he couldn't remember…and somehow, that hurt him more than the pain in his body. He _should _know. Even if he had forgotten everything about himself, he should know who this man was.

The man was talking to him, his mouth moving, but he couldn't hear the words. Lee struggled to focus his thoughts. "…hear me, Lee? Are you awake?"

_Lee. That's my name. I'm Lee._

He tried to speak, but his lips wouldn't move.

The blackness pulled at his thoughts, and he sank under once more.

* * *

Sunlight slanted through an open window and spilled across a white, tiled floor. Lee blinked as his thoughts stirred to life, and he woke, _really _woke, for the first time since…since…

What had happened to him? Lee stared at the ceiling, his mind a blank. A dull, throbbing pain suffused his whole body. He felt like he'd been trampled by a herd of bulls.

He tried to sit up, and fresh pain ripped through him. Red stars exploded behind his eyes. He fell back to the bed with a choked cry. A wave of weakness washed over him, and for a moment, his vision grayed out. When the pain had receded enough for him to move again, he turned his head and saw his arm and leg encased in thick, plaster casts.

A dam broke open in his mind, and memories poured in. He remembered a huge hand reaching toward him, gritty, sandy fingers closing around his arm and leg, a terrible, squeezing pressure, a shattering agony…

_I lost._

A hot, bitter lump rose into his throat.

_I failed._

He had given the fight everything he had, put it all on the line—but it hadn't been enough. He shut his eyes to hold back the tears.

No, he thought. No tears. No self-pity. He just had to heal, get stronger and try again. That was his way. No matter what happened, no matter how many times he failed, he must keep trying. He must…

Lee heard the click of the door, and his eyes snapped open. A man entered and approached the bed. "Gai-sensei," Lee said, startled.

"You're awake." Gai looked in his direction, but he wouldn't meet Lee's eyes. His expression was unreadable. "How do you feel?"

"I am in some minor pain."

"If you need, I can ask them to increase your pain medication." Lee had never heard his sensei's voice so quiet and subdued.

"I do not want anymore medication. My head already feels so cloudy. I can endure it." Lee smiled, but Gai didn't smile back. Something was terribly wrong. Why wouldn't Gai look at him? Why didn't he smile? Lee's chest tightened. "Gai-sensei, say something, please."

Gai closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Lee," he whispered hoarsely. "This is all my fault."

"What are you saying? You did not do this. Gaara did." _Look at me…please look at me, Sensei…_ "Besides, I will be fine. I have been injured before. I will recover, and I can try again."

Gai's face contorted, as if in pain, and Lee's blood turned to ice-water. He watched as Gai clenched his fists and took a deep breath. "Sensei?" Lee said in a small voice. "What is it?"

"They told me…"

"What?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"Please tell me!"

"The medical ninja I spoke to…he…he doesn't think you'll regain the full use of your limbs. He said the damage to your arm and leg is too severe. He doesn't think you'll be able to fight after this."

Lee felt the blood drain from his face. "I cannot be a ninja anymore?" His voice emerged small and frightened, the voice of a lost child. "But—you do not believe that, do you, Gai-sensei? He is wrong. He must be. You always told me that I can overcome any obstacle if I try hard enough. You told me—you…" He trailed off.

Gai stared at the floor, fists clenched, shoulders shaking. He seemed to be struggling for control.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee wailed.

Gai covered his eyes with one hand. "Forgive me," he whispered, and left the room.

Lee lay in bed, stunned.

* * *

In the hall, Gai leaned against the wall and buried his face in his hands.

This was all his doing. Lee had trusted him, put all his faith in him, and this was the result.

He'd failed Lee as a teacher. He'd pushed him too far, too hard, taught him dangerous, forbidden techniques. In opening his fifth gate, Lee had nearly destroyed his body, left himself vulnerable and weak, helpless before that lunatic Sand ninja. But even then, Gai had hesitated to intervene. In his naivety, his blindness, he had been unwilling to even consider the possibility that Lee would lose the match. And now, Lee was crippled.

He gritted his teeth and wiped the back of one arm across his eyes.

The idea that he had destroyed Lee's dream was bad enough. But the thought that he might have condemned Lee to a life of limping about on crutches was too much to bear. Knowing that, how could he face his student?

He knew he should go back into the room and talk to Lee, smile and reassure him, tell him everything would be fine. But he couldn't—because he knew it would be a lie. If he walked back into that room and faced the innocent boy whose life he had ruined, Gai would crumble and start to cry, and that would only frighten Lee more.

So he remained in the hall, face hidden in his hands, his heart a hard, bitter knot of shame.

* * *

Lee stared into space.

Gai-sensei had left him. The one person who had always cared about him, always been there for him, had abandoned him.

Lee was not good enough, after all. He'd failed Gai—failed himself. And now he was alone.

* * *

The next day, Gai visited him again. This time, he wore a broad smile no deeper than a coat of paint. Lee wasn't fooled. Gai still wouldn't meet his eyes, and Lee knew his sensei was struggling to conceal his pain. _I am a disappointment to him, _thought Lee.

"Don't worry about it, Lee," said Gai, with forced cheer. "You'll prove the doctors wrong, I'm sure of it. This is just a temporary minor setback. You'll recover very soon, and you can return to training."

"Yes, Sensei."

But Lee knew that Gai didn't really believe that. Beneath the smile, there was a terrible darkness in his teacher's expression.

Later, a med-nin came in to adjust the dosage of his pain medication. Lee watched the clear liquid move from the IV-bag, through the plastic tube, into his body. His eyes slid out of focus, and a heavy lassitude crept over him. "Is it true?" he murmured.

"Is what true?"

"That I'll never fight again."

The med-nin hesitated. "I'm sorry," she said gently. "We did all we could, but it's better for you to give up the idea of being a ninja. The damage to your body is too severe. But you're still very young. There are many paths open to you."

Lee looked away. He knew he could never choose another path. He was a ninja—it was his whole identity. Without it, he was nothing.

_I have to become stronger. _The thought burned in his mind. He had to overcome this, had to win back his sensei's belief in him.

When the med-nin left, he climbed out of bed and did push-ups on the floor of his hospital room. A nurse came in, ordered him back into bed and gave him a firm scolding, which he ignored. Later the same day, he sneaked out to the grassy lawn behind the hospital and continued his training until he collapsed and had to be brought back in on a stretcher.

After a few more incidents like that, they kept him strapped to the bed.

Denied the distraction of exercise, Lee had no defense against the growing darkness in his heart. He succumbed to despair. The days passed, and he lay motionless in bed, staring at the ceiling, almost catatonic. When Gai, Neji or Tenten came to see him, he tried his best to smile and act normal, but inside, he was numb and empty.

After a week in the hospital, he was discharged, and Gai brought him back to the apartment they shared.

Lee had thought he would feel some comfort upon returning, but there was only that cold emptiness. He stared at his bedroom. Had it been just a few weeks ago that he'd lain awake in that bed, trembling with excitement and happiness over the upcoming Chunin Exam? Had such a short time passed since he'd felt so optimistic about the future? It seemed like another life now.

"Well," said Gai, "we're home."

Lee tried to smile. For his sensei's sake, he had to pretend that he wasn't dying inside. "Yes. It is good to be home."

"Why don't you lay down and rest? I'll fix you something to eat."

"Thank you."

Gai made a plate of sandwiches. Lee ate one, though it might as well have been sawdust. Since his injury, his appetite had deserted him completely; he had to force himself to eat, and when he did, food had no taste.

And still, Gai would not meet his eyes. Each time Gai looked away, Lee felt his despair grow and deepen. He was drowning. He needed someone to reach out to him, pull him back to safety. He needed his sensei's warm, reassuring smile. But even though Gai was with him, Lee felt as if an invisible wall stood between them. He felt as if Gai were drifting further and further away, leaving him alone in the darkness, and there was nothing he could do.

* * *

"Lee, I need to go out for a few hours. Will you be all right here on your own?"

Lee sat up in bed, propped against a stack of pillows, his crutch leaning against the bedside. He gave Gai a wan smile. "I will be fine."

Gai hesitated.

Lee's physical condition was stable. There was really no reason to worry…yet somehow, Gai felt anxious about the idea of leaving his student alone here. Lee had been so listless, so quiet since his injury. His face was pale, his eyes ringed by dark circles, and he'd lost weight. Though he smiled, it never touched his eyes. Those eyes—normally so bright and clear—were dull and empty, with all the life of polished stones.

"Did you take your medication?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"Good. I'll be back in a little while, then." He paused, staring at Lee, then left the apartment.

* * *

As soon as Gai left, Lee picked up his notebook. He knew what he had to do.

He tore out a sheet of paper, picked up a pencil and began to write. It didn't take him long. He had already composed the letter in his mind; he knew what he wanted to say. When he'd finished, he lay the note on his pillow, then reached under the mattress and pulled out a kunai.

He'd hidden it there a long time ago, in case he was ever attacked in his bed and had to defend himself. A ninja, he knew, had to be prepared for every possibility. But now the sharp blade would serve a different purpose.

Lee tucked the kunai under his arm and picked up the framed picture of Team Gai he kept beside his bed. He hugged the photo against his chest for a moment, tears welling in his eyes. Then, leaning on his crutch, he limped down the hall, into the bathroom. Walking was still difficult for him, and each step sent a hot jolt of pain up his spine. But it didn't matter. Soon enough, the pain would be over.

He filled the tub with warm water and placed the photo on the bathroom counter, where he'd be able to see it in his last moments. Then he lay his crutches aside and knelt by the tub. With the kunai, he cut away the cast on his left arm. Beneath, the limb was swollen, bruised and puffy. The sight of it made him a little sick.

Not much longer, now. Soon, he would be free of this shattered, useless body. And Gai would be free of him. He would not be stuck taking care of a failure.

_Forgive me, Sensei. I tried..._

He took a deep breath. Then, with the kunai's point, he opened his wrists.

-To be continued

AN: For those who were wondering, I decided to rewrite this first chapter and start the story at an earlier point, which is why I took it down temporarily. Thanks for reading, and reviews are always appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

"You all right, Gai?"

Gai walked alongside Kakashi, staring at the street. He gave Kakashi a vague, distracted smile. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." He paused. "Are you worried about him?"

Gai sighed. No need to ask who he meant—and no point in trying to hide his feelings. Kakashi had known him too long for that. "I don't know what to do. I know he must be suffering terribly, but there seems to be no way I can help him. I feel so powerless."

"Just be there for him. That's all you can do right now."

"I wish he would talk to me. When I ask him how he is, he always says 'fine.' I know it's not true, but I don't know how to make him open up. But then, how can I expect him to trust me anymore? I'm the one who did this to him. I know he must resent me, maybe even hate me. I find myself wishing he'd get angry at me, yell at me, anything. His hatred would be easier to endure than his silence. I deserve it, after all."

"Stop it. This wasn't your doing."

Gai shook his head. "It _is _my doing. If I'd stepped in even a minute or two earlier, I could have saved him."

"Judging from what I know about Lee, he wouldn't have wanted you to stop the battle. Not while there was still a chance, no matter how slight."

"I should have done it anyway. I'm his sensei. His safety is my responsibility. And now…" He trailed off, his jaw tightening. Tears stung his eyes. He looked away and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have to go," he said, his voice choked. "I'm sorry."

Kakashi lay a hand on his shoulder. "If there's anything you need, let me know."

"Thank you," Gai said quietly. He walked down the street, his gaze downcast. On the way back, he passed a temple and paused, then went in through the unlocked doors.

The building was empty. Moonlight spilled in through the tall, arched windows, illuminating rows of pews. Gai stood in the entrance for a moment, feeling awkward and strangely self-conscious. He hadn't been inside a temple for many years.

He approached the altar in the front and stared up at the small, round window above. Moonlight spilled through, making it glow like a cat's eye.

His mind filled with an image of Lee leaning against his crutch, his arm and leg encased in thick casts, his normally bright eyes dull and dark with pain.

Gai gritted his teeth and wiped the back of one arm across his eyes. "Why?" he whispered. "Why him? Hasn't he suffered enough? He gave everything he had to get this far, and now…" Gai's hands clenched into tight fists, and his shoulders shook. "Why Lee?"

Silence answered.

Gai took a deep breath. Railing against reality wouldn't change anything. Whether it was by design or chance, what was, was: that was a lesson he'd learned long ago. Don't complain, he thought—don't demand answers from God or fate—if you don't like reality, do something to change it. That was the code he'd lived by, and it had served him well. He'd been born clumsy and without talent, so he'd made himself strong by working five times as hard as anyone else.

But working and training wouldn't mend Lee's body, or his heart.

Gai had never felt so lost.

He dropped to his knees and clasped his hands. "Guide me," he whispered. "If You're there, please…give me the wisdom to help my Lee." He shut his eyes against the tears welling up. "Please…" Tears seeped out from under his lids. "I know I'm not worthy of his trust or love. I know I don't have the right to ask for anything. But right now, I'm all he has. And I'm afraid for him. I feel like he's slipping away into the darkness and I can't reach him. Help me help him. Show me what I must do."

Gai waited. Still, there was only silence.

As he knelt, forehead resting against his clasped hands, his thoughts drifted. He began to wonder if Lee was all right. Unease crept over his heart like a shadow. _He shouldn't be alone right now, _thought Gai…and suddenly, he was filled with the desperate need to see his student, to embrace him and tell him that everything was all right. It occurred to him that he hadn't hugged Lee even once since his injury. He hadn't thought Lee would want to be touched by the man responsible for his pain.

Had he been wrong? Had Lee, perhaps, misinterpreted Gai's emotional distance as disappointment? Was that why he was so silent, so closed off?

Gai stood, heart pounding, seized by the sudden, inexplicable sense that Lee needed him _right now_, that he might even be in some sort of danger. He turned and ran out of the temple, down the street, toward his apartment.

God, what a fool he had been. He'd been so blinded by his own shame and misery, he had left Lee alone at the time when he was most in need of comfort, of love. What had he been thinking? And what must Lee think, now?

_Wait for me, Lee. I'm coming._

* * *

Lee knelt on the bathroom floor, cheek resting against the cool, porcelain rim of the tub. Blood streamed from his wrists and formed cloudy, red plumes in the water. A wave of dizziness and weakness washed over him. He felt suddenly very thirsty, his mouth dry. And cold. So cold.

His eyes slid out of focus, and he blinked, his lids drooping. It was becoming an effort to keep them open, but he found he didn't want to lose consciousness. Not yet. Not knowing that these were his last moments. Though he'd made up his mind to die, a part of him still fought the blackness eating away at the edges of his mind.

He stared at the picture on the bathroom counter—Team Gai standing together, smiling in the sunlight. He remembered that day. It was almost like looking through a window into the past, into a time when his world had been filled with light and hope. His gaze focused on his sensei's face.

"Did I make the right choice?" he murmured.

He found himself wishing he could see Gai again before he died, just one more time.

Darkness rolled over his mind like fog, and beneath the weakness and lassitude, he felt a flicker of fear. Was there anything waiting for him on the other side? Or was there only nothingness—a cold, lonely, empty void?

_Gai-sensei…I do not want to disappear. I…_

Lee's eyes sank shut.

* * *

As soon as he opened the door, Gai knew something was wrong. It was too quiet. "Lee?" He walked down the hall, opened Lee's door a crack and peered in.

Lee wasn't there. On his bed was a sheet of paper. Gai's heartbeat quickened. He picked it up. Confusion turned to growing dread, then to horror as he read the neat, handwritten lines.

_Gai-sensei,_

_You will not be away very long, and I must finish this before you return, so I do not have time to say all that is in my heart. Perhaps it is best that some things remain unsaid, anyway._

_You have given me so much. When I doubted myself, you gave me hope. When I was lost, you gave me guidance. You even took me in and gave me a home, something I never had before I met you. You believed in me, even when no one else did, and did everything in your power to help me achieve my dreams. You made my life meaningful, and I am more grateful than I can ever say._

_In the end, I just was not good enough._

_I am sorry. I tried my hardest, but I disappointed you. I failed, and now I will never have the chance to try again, because these shattered limbs of mine will never truly heal. For awhile I tried to go on believing, tried to tell myself the doctors were wrong, but I cannot lie to myself anymore. I will not recover. I know that you know this, as well, even if you pretend otherwise for my sake._

_There is nothing left for me. I have lost my ninja way and my dream. I cannot go on living as a helpless cripple, and I do not wish to be a burden on you. That would be a poor repayment for everything you have done for me. With this last act, this last choice, I will set us both free. I am sad that I will never see your face again, but I know it is better this way._

_If I am dead by the time you read this, know that my last thoughts were of you. _

_Goodbye, Gai-sensei._

_-Lee_

Gai's hands trembled. He dropped the note, and it fluttered to the floor. "Lee!" he shouted. "Lee, where are you? _Lee!_" He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. _Think. _Lee wouldn't have gone far. He couldn't move very well with his injured arm and leg. He was probably still in the apartment.

Gai ran out of the room and down the hall. He checked the kitchen, the bedroom. He came to the bathroom door, which was shut. He tried the knob. Locked. "Lee!" He pounded on the door. No response.

His leg shot out in a kick and crashed through the door. He ripped the door's splintered remnants off the hinges and flung it aside.

Lee knelt by the bathtub, head resting on the tub's rim, arms submerged up to the elbows in red, cloudy water. His eyes were closed, his skin deathly pale. A bloodstained kunai lay on the tile floor near his feet.

"Oh no. Oh, God, no…" Breathing hard, terrified, Gai lifted Lee's arms. Blood streamed from the long, vertical cuts running from his wrists to his inner elbows. "Hold on, Lee." He grabbed a towel, ripped it into strips and bandaged Lee's arms, staunching the flow of blood. He felt for a pulse. It was there, but rapid and weak. Very weak. When he pressed an ear to Lee's chest, he heard the faint rasp of breathing. "Lee." He patted Lee's cheek. "Open your eyes. Speak to me, please."

No response. Lee's skin was cool and clammy to the touch, like clay.

Gai stood, cradling Lee's limp body in his arms. He ran out of the apartment and down the street, toward the hospital. Lee hung motionless from his arms, head lolling, limbs dangling, like a broken doll. He was so cold. So still. "Don't leave me. Do you hear me, Lee? Stay with me."

He reached the hospital within a few minutes. The med-nins rushed Lee to intensive care. Gai hovered nearby, wringing his hands.

One of the med-nins grabbed Gai's arm and steered him out of the room. "I'm sorry, only medics are allowed in here. You'll have to wait in the lobby. We'll summon you when we're done."

Gai gripped her shoulder. "Tell me, will Lee be all right?"

"We'll do everything we can."

Gai retreated to the lobby and paced, hands laced behind his back. He wanted to go back and see what the medics were doing, but he knew he would only disrupt their work. Because there was nothing else he could do, he sat, clasped his hands together and prayed with all his heart.

Sometime later, a med-nin entered the lobby.

Gai leaped to his feet. "How is he?"

"His condition has stabilized. He's out of danger now."

Gai sighed, the tension rushing out of his body. His relief was so great that for a moment, he felt dizzy. "Can I see him?"

She nodded and led him to a standard hospital room. Lee lay motionless on the narrow bed, his arms swathed in bandages, his eyes closed. His chest rose and fell with each faint breath.

"When will he regain consciousness?" asked Gai.

"It's difficult to say."

Gai pulled up a chair and sat. "I'm staying with him."

The med-nin nodded. "I'll be back to check up on him in a little while. If he wakes up, just ring the buzzer over there."

She left Gai alone with Lee. Gai sat, looking into his student's face, his heart aching. The idea that Lee—his dear Lee—had tried to take his own life was almost too much to bear. But he couldn't escape the reality in front of him. A line from Lee's note kept echoing through his head: _I do not wish to be a burden on you._

A tear dripped from Gai's face and landed on Lee's cheek.

Lee stirred. A tiny furrow appeared between his brows, and a moment later, his eyelids flickered open. He blinked, his eyes cloudy. "Gai-sensei…" He looked around, confusion growing on his face. "Why am I…" He looked down at his own bandaged arms, and his eyes widened. "No," he whispered. His breathing quickened. "I—I am not supposed to be alive. How—"

Gai lay a hand on his shoulder. "Shh. Just relax. I found you and brought you to the hospital. You're going to be fine..."

"No, no." Lee tried to sit up, panting, and Gai pushed him gently down. "You do not understand. I have to die."

"I won't let that happen," Gai said quietly. "Just listen to me, Lee…"

"I am going to be a useless cripple for the rest of my life, and you will be stuck taking care of me because there is no one else! Let me die!"

Gai gripped his shoulders. "Stop that, Lee. Stop talking like that."

Lee shook his head, his cheeks streaked with tears. Gai felt him trembling. "I am broken. Worthless. I am just a burden and an embarrassment to you now. You would be better off with me gone—"

Gai grabbed Lee's chin, lifting his face, and stared into those wide, tear-filled eyes. "You little fool," he whispered, his voice raw and hoarse. "How can you think that? Don't you have any idea how much you mean to me? I could not bear to lose you. It would destroy me. Do you understand?"

Lee stared up at him, his eyes huge. "Gai-sensei…I…"

At that moment, the door opened. Gai released Lee and looked up to see two med-nins walk into the room. One was the medic that Gai had spoken to earlier. She looked at Lee. "How long has he been conscious?"

"Just a few minutes," said Gai.

The med-nin turned to her companion and said, "Look after the patient." Then she turned to Gai and said, "Come with me."

Gai hesitated, then followed her into the hall. She faced him. "Are you the boy's father?"

"No. I'm his Jonin sensei. He has no family. He was badly injured during his last fight, and was just recently discharged from the hospital. He's been staying with me."

"I take it those cuts were self-inflicted?"

Gai stared at the floor and nodded. "I found him like that in the bathroom. He…" A lump rose into his throat. He swallowed and continued, "He was told that he'd never fully recover from his injuries—that he'd have to give up being a ninja. He took it very hard. But I never thought…" His voice trembled. He took a deep breath and clenched his fists. "What should we do?"

"I'm going to recommend putting him on antidepressants. And I think he should remain here in the hospital and be placed under a round-the-clock suicide watch, at least for the next few days, possibly longer."

"What would that involve?"

She hesitated. "He'd be kept confined to his room, stripped of anything he could use to hurt himself, and monitored constantly. Someone would probably have to remain within reach of him at all times."

"At _all _times? What if he has to use the bathroom, or…"

"Even then. Someone has to remain close enough that he can be stopped immediately if he tries to harm himself again." At the look on Gai's face, she added, "I know it might seem a bit invasive, but we're talking about his life. People who have attempted suicide once will often try it again, and since he's a ninja, extra precautions have to be taken. He could probably inflict significant damage on himself with his bare hands."

Gai thought of Lee, trapped in a small, white hospital room, watched by guards twenty-four hours a day, forced to endure their stares even when he showered or used the toilet—Lee, who was so vulnerable right now. "But being confined and watched like an animal in a cage…couldn't that worsen his depression?"

"I'm afraid there's no alternative. Leaving him alone at this point is simply too risky."

Gai took a deep breath. _Think. _There had to be a better way. "What if I took him back home and watched over him myself? It might be easier for him, being in familiar surroundings with someone he knows and trusts."

"But can you stay with him all the time? What about your missions? Your other students?"

"I can ask for a temporary leave from missions, and I can find a substitute to continue my other students' training in the meantime. Just give me a day to get everything in order."

She was silent a moment, staring at Gai. "Well, he probably _would _feel more at ease in his own home. But you must promise to remain with him at _all _times and take responsibility for protecting him from himself...at least until the antidepressants start to take effect. If I discharge him from this hospital, I want to be sure his life is not in danger."

"I understand. I give you my word, Lee will come to no harm while he's in my care."

"Very well. You can come here tomorrow anytime before six to pick him up."

"Let me talk to him alone for a moment before I leave."

"All right." The med-nin beckoned to the nurses, and they stepped out of the room.

Gai entered and looked down into Lee's tear-stained face. "Lee, I—I can't stay here right now. I'm going to take you back home as soon as I can, but before I can do that, I have to get everything in order so I'll be able to stay and look after you. I'll be back very soon. All right?"

"You are leaving me alone here?" Lee asked in a small voice.

Gai flinched. "I'm sorry, Lee. It's just for the night. I'll return tomorrow. That's a promise. Will you wait for me?"

Lee's eyes were dark with fear, but he took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, Gai-sensei."

"Can you sit up?"

Slowly, wincing, Lee sat up. Gai wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. He heard Lee's breath catch in his throat. "It's going to be all right," he whispered. "Just hold on. I know it's hard, but I believe in your strength. Be brave."

"Yes, Gai-sensei," said Lee, his voice thick with tears. He wrapped his good arm around Gai and hugged him back. He swallowed. "You…you are not mad at me for what I did?"

"No. God, no. I'm just glad that I found you in time. If I'd lost you..." Gai's arms tightened around him, then he relaxed his grip, reminding himself that Lee was injured. He gently held Lee's dark-haired head to his shoulder and closed his eyes. For a few minutes, he didn't move or speak--just held him.

Gai felt eyes on the back of his neck and looked over his shoulder to see one of the nurses hovering outside the doorway. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that the sooner he took care of all the outside arrangements, the sooner he could bring Lee home. He forced himself to let go. "Wait for me," he murmured.

-To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Gai returned to his apartment. That night, he went through the kitchen drawers and removed all the knives. Maybe it was pointless—as the med-nin had pointed out, Lee could probably kill himself with his bare hands—but still, Gai felt better with them gone. He checked the entire apartment to make sure there were no more knives, nothing too sharp, nothing that could be used to slice a wrist or pierce a throat.

He paused outside the bathroom. The splintered remnants of the door still lay scattered near his feet. He'd have to have it replaced tomorrow.

Bloody water still filled the tub, and the sight made his heart pound and his stomach twist with regret—regret for not being there. He was looking at the evidence of his own failure to protect his dear student, and a part of him wanted to turn away. But he couldn't just leave it like this.

He drained the tub and wiped the residue of blood from the inside with a damp cloth. Lee hadn't gotten a single spot on the tiles. Even while trying to take his own life, he'd been so careful and considerate.

Gai looked up and saw the framed picture of Team Gai on the bathroom counter. Gai's throat tightened, and his vision blurred with tears. Lee had wanted to be close to the people he loved in his last moments—if not physically, then in spirit.

He returned to the bedroom and looked down to see Lee's note on the floor. He picked it up and read it again, running his fingertips over his student's neat writing. _Lee…oh, Lee, why didn't I see the danger you were in? Why didn't I stay by your side? _He'd come so close to losing his most important person. Another few minutes, and it might have been too late.

His gaze lingered on the last line: _If I am dead by the time you read this, know that my last thoughts were of you._

Gai clutched the note to his chest and closed his eyes.

* * *

He returned to the hospital the next day. He'd asked a Chunin Taijutsu specialist, Akio, to teach Neji and Tenten during Gai's absence—not an ideal substitute, but the only person he could find on short notice—and he'd told the Third Hokage that he would be unavailable for the next week, at least. He wasn't sure how long Lee would need watching, but he didn't want to take chances.

He found Lee in a white room, looking small and miserable in his bed. A pair of masked guards stood on either side of the bed, arms crossed over their chests, swords at their hips. _Anbu? _thought Gai. That seemed rather excessive.

When he entered the room, Lee sat up, and his eyes widened. "Gai-sensei!" He leaped out of bed, then collapsed as his bad leg crumpled beneath him. He tried to crawl toward Gai, but the guards seized his arms, restraining him.

"That's enough," said Gai, looking from one masked face to the other. "I'm Maito Gai, his sensei."

"We know who you are," said one guard.

"Good. Then you can go. I'll take him from here."

The guards stared at him a moment, then one gave a slight nod to the other. They released Lee and left the room.

Gai crouched and helped Lee to his feet, and Lee clutched him, breathing fast.

Gai held him closer. "Easy. I'm here."

"Please take me home, Gai-sensei. I do not like this place. I want to go home."

"We're going there now." Gai rubbed Lee's back. "Everything's going to be all right."

He looked around the room for Lee's crutches, then remembered they were still back at his own apartment. Not knowing what else to do, he lifted Lee into his arms and carried him out of the room. He expected Lee to protest. Instead, Lee hid his face in the hollow between Gai's neck and shoulder and clung to him as if he were the last solid thing in the world.

* * *

Back at the apartment, Gai helped Lee into bed and pulled the covers over him. "Are you all right, Lee?" It was a stupid question, under the circumstances. Of course Lee wasn't all right. But he needed to say something.

Lee didn't answer at first. He stared at the wall, his eyes unfocused.

"Lee?"

"I felt so alone," Lee murmured. "You went away, and after that…they brought those guards in, then they stripped me and put me in hospital clothes. They would not even leave me alone to change." His voice wavered. "I was so ashamed. I knew that _they _knew what I had done…that I had tried to kill myself. I knew that was why they were watching me, and I felt sure they must be judging me, that they must think I was a weak, selfish coward. And all the time, I did not know if you were going to come back."

"You thought I would abandon you? Even after I promised to return?"

"I though maybe you were too embarrassed by my actions. I let you down, after all. I did what I swore I'd never do. I gave up and almost threw away my life. I know now that it was wrong, but…"

"Look at me."

Lee didn't look up.

"Look at me, Lee. Please?"

Slowly, Lee raised his eyes. Those eyes held the most shattered, wounded look Gai had ever seen. "I would never abandon you," he said quietly. "Never."

"But I did something terrible."

"You weren't thinking clearly. It's my fault for leaving you alone, but I'm not going to make that mistake again. I won't leave your side until you're well again."

"You…you will stay with me?"

"Yes."

"For awhile, I thought you did not want me anymore. I thought…" His voice trembled. "You would not look at me. When I woke up in the hospital, after the battle with Gaara, you would not meet my eyes at all. You would not touch me."

Pain lanced through Gai's heart. He trembled, then closed his eyes a moment, trying to regain control of his emotions. "You misunderstand, Lee. I couldn't look at you because I was ashamed of myself. Because I didn't save you. Because I didn't stop this from happening." He touched the cast on Lee's arm.

"You did not do anything wrong. It is my own fault. I should have been more careful, but…I wanted to win so badly. I wanted to make you proud."

Gai pulled Lee into his arms and held him. "I _am _proud of you, Lee. I'm more proud than you'll ever know."

"But I lost."

"That doesn't matter. You fought honorably and well, and you gave it everything you had. You remained true to your ninja way. I'm just sorry the cost was so high." He closed his eyes. "I've been such a fool. When you needed me the most, I wasn't there for you. Forgive me."

"Gai-sensei…" Lee hugged Gai tightly. "I will forgive you if you will forgive me."

"For what?"

"For not having more faith in you. I should have known you would not abandon me."

"Then I forgive you. Just please, never try to harm yourself again."

"I promise," Lee whispered.

Gai held him a moment longer, then pulled back and wiped his eyes. He smiled. "Now, is there anything you need?"

"Actually, I would like a bath. I have not had a chance for awhile. But I do not know how I will manage. I am not supposed to get my casts wet."

"You can still wash off, even if you can't take an actual bath. Wait here." He left the room, filled one bowl with warm, soapy water and another with plain water, and placed both next to the tub, along with a sponge. Then he returned to the bedroom and helped Lee to his feet. Lee leaned against him as Gai led him to the bathroom. "You can lay in the empty tub and clean yourself with that," he said, nodding toward the sponge. "Not as pleasant as a regular bath, but it should do for now."

"Thank you." Lee paused, looking at Gai, and Gai knew Lee was waiting for him to leave so he could undress.

Gai cleared his throat and tugged the collar of his jumpsuit. "I promised the medical ninja at the hospital that I wouldn't leave you alone. You're still supposed to be under round-the-clock observation."

Lee's eyes widened, and the color drained from his face. "You mean…you are going to stay and watch me? The whole time?"

"I have to be sure you don't try to harm yourself again."

"But I promised I would not."

"And I gave my word that I would not leave you alone even for a moment. It was either this or leave you at the hospital and have strangers watch you instead. I thought this might be easier for you."

Lee gulped and lowered his gaze, his cheeks red.

"Er…you've been to the bathhouse before, haven't you? It's not so different from that."

"I…I have always bathed alone," he murmured. "I am shy about my body."

"If it helps, I'll turn away while you undress."

Lee took a deep breath. "Thank you."

Gai turned his back to Lee and listened to the rustle of clothing as Lee started to slip out of his plain, white hospital clothes. He heard sounds of struggling, a soft grunt of effort…then a squeak as Lee's crutch slipped on the tile floor.

Gai spun around and caught Lee as he fell. Lee blinked up at him in surprise. He'd managed to get one arm out of its sleeve, but that was all. "You all right?" asked Gai.

"Fine. I guess I did not think about how difficult it would be to undress with only one arm."

"Let me help you."

Panic flashed across Lee's face. "N-no, it is all right. I can do it myself. Really."

Gai could feel him trembling. What was going on? Gai would have understood embarrassment, but fear...that was different. _Does he think I…? _The thought brought a surge of heat to his face. Surely, Lee trusted him more than that. Yet he trembled. "I'm not going to do anything to you," Gai said quietly. "I just don't want you to slip and fall."

"I know," Lee whispered. "It—it is not that. I trust you. I do."

"Then what's wrong?" Gai asked, keeping his voice low and gentle.

Lee stared at the floor, his face red. "It is…hard to explain."

"I won't look at you. I'll close my eyes if that will make you more comfortable. Just let me help. May I?"

Lee took a deep breath, then nodded.

Gai helped him to sit on the edge of the tub. He took Lee's crutch and lay it aside, then closed his eyes. Without opening them, he undid the ties holding the back of Lee's shirt closed, then carefully slipped the shirt off. Lee's breathing quickened. "Am I hurting you?"

"No."

His eyes still closed, Gai removed Lee's shoes, then slid his pants down. His fingertips grazed Lee's thigh, and Lee let out a sharp little gasp, as if that feather-light touch had burned him. "Sorry," Gai murmured. "That was an accident."

"It is all right." His voice sounded oddly shaky, oddly breathless.

When he'd finished undressing Lee, Gai stood. "Can you get into the tub on your own?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Gai turned away, opened his eyes and waited while Lee washed himself. He wasn't breaking his word, he reasoned—even if he wasn't watching, exactly, he was still close enough to intervene if Lee tried to hurt himself.

He'd been prepared to help Lee wash, maybe scrub his back, but considering how mortified Lee had been at the notion of undressing in front of Gai, he didn't think his student would be very open to that idea. He thought about the panic in Lee's eyes, and he wondered...what had he said or done, to make Lee so afraid of him?

Or perhaps...

Perhaps it had nothing to do with Gai. Had someone else hurt Lee in that way? He knew very little about his student's early life, before he'd become a Genin. Was it possible? Had he been...

Gai's heart pounded. No, he thought, don't jump to conclusions. There could be any number of explanations.

Another one leapt to mind, but he pushed it away.

A few minutes later, Lee said, "I am finished."

Gai handed him a towel without looking at him, and Lee murmured a thank you. Gai waited another minute as he dried, then said, "I'll get some fresh clothes for you. Wait here." He left and returned with a simple, pale blue kimono.

Lee sat upright in the tub, wrapped in the towel, which was big enough to cover him from the chest to the knees. He watched as Gai draped the kimono over the edge of the tub. "This should be easy for you to slip into an out of, so dressing won't be such an ordeal."

Lee paused. "I am sorry I acted that way before. I just..."

"You don't have to apologize or explain anything. I understand body-shyness. I usually avoid the bathhouses myself, for that very reason."

"Thank you," Lee whispered. He lowered his gaze. "You are always so understanding."

Gai smiled and gently ruffled Lee's hair. Then he straightened and turned away while Lee dressed.

* * *

By the time they finished dinner, it was night. Gai helped Lee into bed and pulled the covers up to his neck. With Lee's arm and leg broken and his body still in so much pain, even simple tasks were difficult. Gai had to do almost everything for him, but he found he didn't mind.

He spread a mat on the floor, then lay a pillow and blanket over it.

"You are sleeping on the floor?" asked Lee.

"I have to stay close to you, remember? I'd drag the other bed in here, but I don't think it would fit through the door. But it's all right." He smiled. "I've slept on the ground many times during missions."

"I am sorry. I am causing so much trouble for you. Not only do you have to take care of me, you have to watch me all the time, and all because I did something stupid."

"No more of that kind of talk. You've apologized more than enough. I'm just glad you're alive and safe. I'll look after you until you recover, however long that takes."

"But what if I do not—"

"You will. There's no doubt in my mind. Once you've healed a bit, you can start training and building your strength back up. But if you want to get better, you must believe you can get better. All right?"

Lee nodded. A tiny smile touched his lips. "All right."

It was such a relief to see Lee smiling again, even if it was just the faintest ghost of a smile. Gai smiled back. "Goodnight, Lee."

"Goodnight, Gai-sensei."

Gai turned out the lights and stretched out on his floor-mat. He pulled the blankets over himself and closed his eyes.

He did not intend to sleep, though. At most, he would permit himself a light doze, but part of his mind would remain awake and vigilant. He intended to protect Lee this time...even if it was from Lee himself.

-To be continued


	4. Chapter 4

Gai woke to the sound of crying—soft, broken whimpers and little hitching gasps. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and glanced at the clock. 3:00 am. "Lee?" he murmured.

Lee didn't reply, just kept making those wounded little sounds. Gai stood and walked over to Lee's bed.

Lee lay, eyes closed, his good arm flung over the covers. In the dim moonlight from the window, Gai could see tear-tracks shining on his cheeks. Lee's face contorted, as if in pain, and he moaned.

"Lee." Gai lay a hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. "Lee, wake up."

Lee gave a start, and his eyes flew open. He looked up at Gai, breathing hard, his eyes wide, wild and half-blind.

"It's all right," whispered Gai. "I'm here."

Lee's eyes focused, and he blinked a few times. Sweat gleamed on his brow. "Gai-sensei…" He swallowed. "I—I am sorry. Did I wake you?"

"Don't worry about it." Gai sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed Lee's damp hair from his forehead. He grabbed a handful of tissues from the box on the nightstand and wiped the sweat from Lee's brow, the tears from his cheeks. "Nightmares?"

Lee nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Lee looked away, his eyes haunted. "I do not know if I can. Not now."

"That's all right." He hesitated. "You know, my own sensei once told me that bad dreams are the mind's way of purging itself. A way of releasing pent up fears."

Lee looked up at him. "Do you ever have bad dreams, Gai-sensei?"

"Of course. Everyone does sometimes. I used to have them more when I was younger…after my parents died." He averted his gaze. He'd never talked about this aspect of his past with Lee. "At first it was hard to deal with. I felt so out of control. It seemed like whenever I fell asleep, I was at the mercy of my own subconscious, where all the willpower and conviction in the world couldn't help me. Then I started to see those dreams as a form of healing. Sometimes wounds must be allowed to bleed before they can close, or they'll fester. Once I saw them as something productive and beneficial, rather than a force of darkness inside myself, it was easier to deal with them."

"That makes sense. Still…it makes it rather hard to sleep."

Gai studied Lee's face in the dim light. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Lee hesitated. "Will you…" He lowered his gaze, and a flush rose into his cheeks. "Never mind."

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure?"

He bit his lower lip. "Will you hold me? Just for a minute?"

"You don't have to be embarrassed to ask for that, Lee." Gai helped him sit up, then wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer.

Lee leaned against his teacher's shoulder and closed his eyes.

For awhile, he was so silent that Gai thought he had drifted off again. Then he whispered, "I am afraid, Sensei. I feel like I am losing myself."

"You're still you."

"I am a ninja. Or I was. That is my self. And now it is gone."

"You're still a ninja. A splendid one."

Lee smiled, though his eyes were sad and frightened. "I wish I could feel that way. But my body is broken now. _I _am broken."

"Your body will heal. But your body isn't what makes you who you are. This—" He touched the center of Lee's forehead with one finger. "And this—" He touched Lee's chest, just over his heart. "—is what really matters. If you remain strong in your mind and heart, your body will follow."

"You think so?"

He nodded. "Now, get some sleep. If you have another bad dream, I'll wake you."

"Thank you." Lee rested his head against Gai's shoulder and sighed. "Since my injury, I am always tired, but I have such a hard time sleeping. Being in bed all day…when night comes, I feel twitchy and restless, even though I am exhausted. I know it does not make sense, but…"

"You just need to relax. Breathe slowly and let your thoughts drift away."

"I will try." Lee looked up at him. "Will you keep talking to me?"

"If you like. What should I talk to you about?"

"Anything. I just want to hear your voice."

Gai nodded and smoothed Lee's hair. "Everything will be all right," he murmured. "I know it seems like this hardship will go on forever, but no matter how long and dark the night, there's always another morning. This will pass. Just hold on. It _will _pass, I promise you. But no matter what happens, I'll be with you. You're not alone. Remember that, Lee." As he spoke, Lee's eyes grew heavy-lidded and unfocused. They sank shut, then Lee blinked them open. "You're struggling to stay awake," Gai said quietly. "I can tell. Why don't you close your eyes?"

"Not yet. Just let me stay like this a little longer. Please?"

Gai looked into Lee's eyes. Lee had spent his early years in an orphanage, and then lived alone for awhile after that. He'd gone most of his life without anyone to care for him. It was no surprise that he seemed so hungry for affection sometimes…and Gai could never deny him. "I'll hold you until you drift off, if you like."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now, sleep." With two fingers, Gai smoothed Lee's eyelids closed.

Lee snuggled against his shoulder. "Yes, Gai-sensei," he murmured.

Lee's breathing grew soft and even, and his eyes began to move in little flickers beneath the lids as he dreamed.

Gai held him and watched him sleep, alert for any change in Lee's breathing, any tension in his muscles, prepared to wake him at the first sign of a nightmare. But Lee slept peacefully. Gai placed a soft kiss on his student's forehead—a hopelessly sentimental and soppy gesture, but it was hard to resist when Lee lay asleep in his arms, looking so innocent. "I love you," he whispered. "You know that, don't you?"

Lee let out a little sigh and smiled in his sleep.

* * *

Morning sunlight spilled through the curtains. Gai yawned and rubbed his eyes. He was still sitting on the edge of the bed, his arms supporting Lee as his student leaned against him, head on his shoulder. He hadn't budged all night.

Now, Lee stirred in his arms. His eyes flickered open.

Gai smiled. "Good morning."

"Gai-sensei, you…" He looked around, then his gaze returned to his sensei's face. "You have been holding me this whole time?"

Gai nodded.

"But…did you not get a chance to sleep, then?"

"I dozed a little."

"Sensei, you did not have to…"

"I didn't want to wake you. Don't worry about it. I feel fine. How did you sleep?"

"Like a log. I feel like that was the first real night's sleep I have had since my injury."

"I'm glad." He smiled and stood. "I'll start getting some breakfast ready. What would you like?"

"Anything is fine. I do not want to be picky."

"I'm asking what you'd prefer. I want to do something for you."

"But you have already done so much."

Gai chuckled. "If I'm going to be taking care of you for awhile, I intend to spoil you, at least a little. I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to it. You're under strict orders from the hospital to avoid training and keep off your feet for the next week, so I'm going to be your legs and arms for awhile. That means you get to ask me for anything you want."

"That is very kind. But…" Lee lowered his gaze, looking glum. "You know I do not like being idle. I feel so useless like this."

"Do you think I'd let you do nothing with this time? Since you can't train your body, take this opportunity to train your mind." He handed Lee a thick book.

Lee turned it over in his hands. "What is this?"

"_Spirit of a Ninja._ Philosophy, with some history mixed in. It was written by one of the great ancient Taijutsu masters. It helped shape many of my own beliefs."

Lee's eyes widened, and he stared at the book in his hands with new interest.

"I want you to read the first three chapters today. I'm going to be asking you about them tonight, so make sure you really absorb them."

"Yes, Gai-sensei." He opened the book.

While Lee read, Gai went into the kitchen and started breaking eggs into a bowl. Lee's room was across from the kitchen, so he had an unobstructed view through the open door. He watched Lee with one eye while he whisked the eggs and sliced some peppers.

Shortly after, he brought a tray into the bedroom. Lee set the book down, marking his place with a slip of paper, and looked at the tray's contents: two plates of omelets, two glasses of juice and four amber pill bottles.

Lee picked up one of the bottles and examined it. "What are all these?"

"These two are the painkillers and antibiotics you've been taking."

"And the others?"

Gai hesitated. "Antidepressants. The doctor thought it would be a good idea."

Lee's eyes widened. He looked down at the bottles again. "I—I am feeling a little better, really. I do not think I need them."

"I think you should do what the doctor says."

Lee lowered his gaze. "I do not like the idea of being dependent on pills."

"It's just for now. Just until we get through this."

Lee nodded without looking up.

"There's nothing shameful about it, Lee. It's no different from taking any other medication."

"If you think I should, then I will take them." He opened the pill bottles, shook one of each into his palm, and downed them all with a swig of juice.

"Good." Gai ruffled his hair, which made Lee smile.

They ate. After Gai washed the dishes, he returned to the bedroom and started doing push-ups on the floor. He'd hardly done any training at all since Lee's injury, and his muscles were begging to be used. It would probably be awhile longer before he could get any serious exercise in, but he could do _something_.

Lee watched him. "Can I join you?"

Gai paused in mid-push-up. "Better not. Sorry, but you're not supposed to exert yourself for another week, at least. You want those limbs to heal up quick, don't you?"

"But my right arm and leg are fine. I could just train with those."

"You've got torn muscles and ligaments throughout your body." He stood, then sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't want to risk you ending up in the hospital again. Give it a little time."

Lee bowed his head and nodded.

"Tell you what. Until you're well enough to train again, I won't do any training either. It's not really fair to do it in front of you when you can't join me, after all."

Lee smiled. "I could not ask that of you, Gai-sensei. I would not want you to compromise your efforts for my sake."

"Are you sure? I don't want to make this harder for you…"

"No, it is fine. I like watching you." He lowered his gaze, looking oddly shy. "I mean…you always push yourself so hard in everything you do. It is an inspiration to me."

Gai smiled. "I'll do my best to inspire you, then." He dropped to the floor and resumed doing push-ups. Once he'd done a thousand of them, he followed it up with a thousand squat-thrusts, then two thousand sit-ups. Lee watched him.

"Remember," said Gai, breathing hard, "I expect you to finish the first three chapters of that book by tonight."

"Yes, Gai-sensei." Lee picked up the book and resumed reading, but he kept sneaking glances at Gai from the corner of his eye.

* * *

Gai spent the next few days close to Lee's side, preparing his food, keeping him company and watching over him.

He'd never been in the role of a caretaker before. He was surprised at how naturally it came. But then, what was more natural than to take care of someone who meant the world to you?

Though Lee's condition was slowly improving, Gai could tell that he was still in a great deal of pain, both physically and mentally. His eyes were never as bright as they'd once been, and there were dark circles beneath them. But still, he smiled…and when Gai asked how he was feeling, he always said, "I am fine, Sensei." Gai knew Lee was forcing those smiles and hiding his pain so as not to worry him.

On Lee's fifth day out of the hospital, Gai stepped into the kitchen to fix him some breakfast and returned to find him on the floor, doing one-armed push-ups. Gai's eyes widened.

Lee panted, sweat dripping from the tip of his nose as he pushed himself up again. His arm quivered.

Gai set the tray aside. "Lee, you need to get back in bed. You aren't ready for this."

"I have to finish…" He panted. "Have to do…at least two hundred…or I must do a thousand sit-ups…" He grunted and did another push-up, then collapsed to the floor with a cry of pain.

Gai tried to help him up, but Lee shook his head and pushed Gai's hand away. "I have to keep trying. I have to get stronger, or I will fall behind everyone else!" He did another push-up, then another. Sweat dripped to the floor.

Gai watched him uncertainly. As much as it went against his grain to tell his student to stop training, he knew this wasn't good for Lee—not now, with his body still so damaged. He leaned down and placed a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Why don't you take a break?"

"Let me finish!"

"Lee," said Gai, more firmly, "get back in bed. That's an order from your sensei."

Lee hung his head, trembling. "I cannot stay in bed anymore. I feel like I am about to explode. The last part of the Chunin Exams is coming up, and I am stuck here, helpless. I cannot stand it."

"I know it's difficult. But the most important thing right now is to rest and recover. If you take it easy, you'll heal faster. Then you'll be able to resume your training sooner." He helped Lee off the floor and into bed, then pulled the covers over him.

Lee was shaking, breathing hard, and there was a strange, wild look in his eyes. Gai had never seen him like this. Cautiously, he set the tray down on the table by Lee's bedside. "Remember to take your medicine…"

Lee's arm swept out, knocking the tray to the floor. Glass shattered. Medicine bottles broke open, and pills spilled across the floor. "I cannot live like this!" Lee bowed his head and gripped it tight with both hands, fingers digging into his scalp, eyes squeezed shut. "I cannot sleep, I cannot train, I cannot even _think _because my head is cloudy from all these fucking pills!"

Gai gave a start. He'd never heard Lee curse before. "Lee, listen to me. Just calm down…"

Lee didn't seem to hear him. He clawed at himself with his good hand, ripping at his casts, his clothes. His nails raked down one side of his own face, leaving bloody scratches.

"Lee!" Gai seized him, pulled him out of bed and gripped him in a rough embrace, pinning his arms to his sides.

Lee struggled, panting.

"Be still," he whispered roughly.

But Lee wouldn't be still. Gai gritted his teeth. Lee was going to injure himself if this kept up. He thrust two fingers against a pressure point in Lee's neck. Lee twitched, then went limp as the flow of blood to his brain slowed, making him woozy. Gai released the pressure, but continued to hold Lee. He could feel his student's heart beating fast and hard against his chest, like a bird trying to escape its cage. He waited until that frantic beat had slowed before loosening his grip. "Are you all right?"

"Yes," Lee murmured.

Gai lay him down on the bed. "Just relax. Breathe deep."

Lee looked around the room and blinked, like someone emerging from a daydream. His gaze settled on the upturned breakfast tray, broken glass and scattered pills on the floor, and his eyes widened. "What have I done? Oh, God. I—I am so embarrassed, Sensei, I do not know what to say. Throwing a temper tantrum like a child…I have no excuse…"

"They're only dishes. Don't worry about it." Gai studied Lee's face, concerned. He knew the difference between a tantrum and a nervous breakdown. He touched his student's cheek, examining the deep scratches left by Lee's own fingernails. "Let me get some antiseptic for this," he said quietly.

He left the room and returned to find Lee on the floor, picking up the broken pieces of glass and ceramic. Tears shone in his eyes. "Lee, don't. I'll clean this up." Gai helped Lee back into bed and pried the shards from his hands. He'd been gripping them tightly, and small cuts marked his fingers where the jagged glass had pressed into them.

Gai poured some antiseptic onto a cloth. "This might sting." Gently, he dabbed the scratches on Lee's cheek.

Lee winced. Slowly, his hand drifted up to touch his cheek. "I did this?" he murmured.

Gai nodded. He taped a bandage over the scratches on Lee's cheek, then dabbed more antiseptic onto the cuts on Lee's fingers.

"I do not know what came over me," Lee whispered.

"You've been under a lot of strain."

"That is no excuse for my behavior. You have been so patient and generous, taking care of me, and I repay your kindness by yelling at you and breaking your dishes. I am a terrible person."

"That isn't true. You know that isn't true." With his thumb, Gai wiped the tears from the corners of those wet, dark eyes. "Why would you think such a thing?"

"I just…ever since this happened, I have felt like I do not deserve to be alive. Like I am just bad and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have always wanted to believe that I can change my fate, but what if it is not true? What if I am cursed, fated to bring unhappiness to the people close to me? That seems to be what is happening. I have caused you so much pain and disappointment..."

"Stop. I've told you again and again, I'm not disappointed in you. And there's no such thing as fate."

"I know." He pressed his hands to his face. "I tell myself that over and over, but these feelings will not go away. I hate being a burden on others, but that is all I have been since my injury. You have had to refuse missions and stop teaching to take care of me."

"Please, Lee, stop thinking that you're a burden on me. I _want _to stay and take care of you. What can I say to convince you of that? What can I do to make you stop thinking these terrible things about yourself? Tell me."

Lee didn't answer, just stared at the floor.

Because he didn't know what else to do, Gai held him. He had never felt so powerless. This darkness, this depression eating away at Lee's heart could destroy him as surely as any external enemy—and Gai had no idea how to fight it.

-To be continued


	5. Chapter 5

AN: This chapter contains some slight, implied shounen ai.

* * *

"Wait here. I'm going to make breakfast for you. Something a little different."

Lee nodded, looking puzzled.

Gai went into the kitchen and began throwing ingredients into a bowl.

Awhile back, Gai had concocted a recipe for a special kind of energy dumpling. He always ate them after an injury; they contained just the right blend of vitamins and protein to help speed the healing process. Kakashi had tried one once and told him—with his usual deadpan candor—that they tasted like dried dog turds. Gai thought that was surely an exaggeration. Maybe they were a little bitter, but medicine usually was.

He added some sugar and cinnamon, just in case. As he worked, he kept one eye on Lee.

When he'd finished, he helped Lee out of bed and led him into the kitchen, where a plate of dumplings sat on the counter. Lee eyed them uncertainly. "Go ahead," said Gai cheerfully. "Try one."

Lee took a bite, made a small, choked sound, and turned an odd shade of green. By the time he'd chewed and swallowed it, his eyes were watering. "These are very bitter. What are they?"

"My own specially made medicine. If you eat a hundred of these, your injuries will definitely heal."

"I see. So if I want to recover, I need to eat a hundred?" Lee took a deep breath, as if bracing himself, then scooped up a handful of dumplings and stuffed them into his mouth--followed by another handful, then another.

"Er…Lee, slow down, that's not really what I…"

Lee kept eating, tears streaming down his cheeks as he gulped down the last of the dumplings. He'd practically inhaled them. Gai didn't think he'd seen Lee chew at all.

"I didn't say you had to eat them all in one day," said Gai, a little nervous. He'd never eaten more than one or two at a time.

"I want to get better as soon as possible. I…" Lee gulped, one hand pressed to his stomach, and slumped against the counter. A faint moan escaped him.

"Lee?"

"I feel a little sick."

"Here, maybe we should go into the bathroom…"

Minutes later, Lee was on his knees in front of the toilet, gasping and coughing. His body heaved as he threw up for the third time.

"Are you all right, Lee?"

"I feel dizzy," he murmured.

Gai knelt behind him and slipped his arms around Lee's waist, holding him steady. Lee blushed…then threw up again. He moaned.

Perhaps the dumplings had been a bad idea, thought Gai.

He knew, of course, that eating a hundred of them probably wouldn't propel Lee into a sudden and miraculous recovery, but he'd thought that it might at least give Lee hope and lift his spirits. If only Lee hadn't eaten so many at once…

"Here, let me get you some water." He ran a cup under the faucet and held it to Lee's mouth.

Lee rinsed his mouth out. "You worked hard on those, and I threw most of them up. What a waste."

"It's my own fault. I should have cautioned you about eating more than one at a time. They're rather potent."

"Now I will have to eat one hundred more."

"Er…maybe you should hold off on that, have something a little gentler on your stomach."

"But I want to recover as soon as possible. If you invented the recipe for those things, then they will surely work, if I can just keep them down. Let me try again."

Gai looked into those earnest dark eyes. Lee believed in him so much, it made his heart ache. Sometimes he wondered if Lee should have chosen a worthier object of his admiration. "I'll whip up another batch tomorrow. Just promise me you won't have more than one or two a day." He helped Lee to his feet. "For now, why don't I just make you some soup?"

"If you think that is best." He smiled—a faint, weak smile, but also a real one. It was so good to see a real smile on Lee's face that Gai wanted to weep with relief.

* * *

The next day, Neji and Tenten came to visit Lee. Tenten had brought lilies. Lee smiled as he accepted them from her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Neji chipped in, so they're from him too."

"Really? Thank you, Neji."

Neji averted his gaze, his cheeks slightly pink, and murmured something that might have been, "You're welcome."

"How are you feeling?" asked Tenten.

"I am fine." Neji raised an eyebrow at that, and Lee cleared his throat, self-conscious. "Well, I am still in some discomfort. But I am recovering. I hope I will be able to start training again soon. I do not like being confined to bed."

"Training?" said Neji. "You intend to remain a ninja, then?"

"Of course! Did you think I would give up my dream because of this minor setback?"

Tenten smiled. "You're the most energetic person I've ever known. You don't let anything keep you down for long."

"That's right," said Gai, who sat in a chair nearby. He gave them all a thumbs up and a grin. "If Lee works hard, he'll regain his strength in no time."

Neji glanced at him. "Sensei, may I speak with you alone for a moment?"

"Er…of course. Tenten, stay with Lee while we're gone, will you?"

She looked puzzled, but nodded.

Gai and Neji walked into the other room. Once they were out of Lee's earshot, Neji turned to face him. "It's cruel to give him false hope, you know. You heard what the doctors said. He isn't going to recover the full use of those limbs."

"Lee will find a way to overcome this."

"How? Taijutsu is all he has—had. His chances of rising above Genin rank were slim from the beginning, but without a strong body, he has no shot at becoming a successful ninja. I know you're trying to be kind, but lying to him will only make his pain worse when he realizes the truth."

Gai's jaw clenched. He took a deep breath, calming himself. "I am not lying. Whatever the doctors say, I truly believe Lee has a shot at a full recovery. I know it's not a guarantee—I am no fool, regardless of what you think—but unless he _believes_ he can get better, he has no chance at all."

"So you're just going to wait and hope for a miracle? And meanwhile, what are Tenten and I to do while you're here all day taking care of him? We've been over a week without a real teacher now…and I'm going to be competing in the final stage of the Chunin Exams very soon."

Gai pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, Neji. I truly am. But Lee needs me right now. There's no one else to take care of him."

"Do you really need to be with him all day? He can move about on his own now. He doesn't need you fussing over him every waking moment."

"He can't be left unsupervised yet."

"Why not?"

"Because…" Gai bowed his head and clenched his fists. "There is a reason, but it's a private matter. I don't want to cause Lee anymore embarrassment or pain. He's suffered enough as it is."

Neji's brow furrowed as the look in his eyes slowly shifted from anger to puzzlement. "What are you talking about? Is there something happening with Lee that we're not aware of?"

Gai hesitated, then sighed. "You and Tenten deserve to know the truth, since your lives are also affected by this. But you must promise not to tell anyone else. I don't want this becoming common knowledge, understand? And don't let Lee know that you know, either."

Neji stared at him, his expression unreadable. "I promise. What's going on?"

Gai stared at the floor. "When Lee was released from the hospital, he…" Gai's throat tightened, and his voice wavered. He swallowed and forced the words through. "He tried to kill himself. He almost succeeded."

Neji's eyes widened.

"Though he puts on a brave face for you and Tenten, he's still suffering from serious depression. I dare not leave him alone, but I hate the thought of leaving him in the hospital to be watched by strangers. I'm the closest thing to family he has. I need to be with him. I know it isn't fair to you and Tenten, and…and if you wanted to request a transfer to another team, I would understand. I want very much to continue being your teacher—and I _will, _very soon—but I need more time with Lee. I failed to protect him from Gaara, so I'm partly responsible for his condition. I owe him this much. I can only ask you to be patient with me a little longer."

Neji took a deep breath. He looked over his shoulder, in the direction of Lee's room. There was a stunned, disoriented expression on his face. "I knew he was depressed, but I never imagined he'd go that far." He paused. "Did he say why he did it?"

"Isn't it obvious? He felt he'd lost his chance to become a ninja. Living without a purpose, without a dream, is more painful than death."

Neji stared at the floor for a moment, then said—his tone calm and empty of emotion—"You should stay with him as long as you feel is necessary."

"Thank you, Neji," Gai replied quietly. "I appreciate that."

* * *

That night, Gai put on his pajamas, spread his sleeping mat on the floor next to Lee's bed.

He'd never worn pajamas before Lee started living with him—typically, he'd worn nothing at all to bed—but with his student around, of course, that was out of the question. He switched off the light, then lay down and pulled a blanket over himself. "Good night, Lee."

"Good night, Gai-sensei."

Gai lay on his back and listened to Lee's soft breathing. He knew Lee hadn't been sleeping well the past few nights; the dark circles under his eyes had grown more pronounced. And more than once, Gai had heard him whimpering in his sleep from bad dreams. It was no wonder Lee's mind was a little unstable. He couldn't seem to sleep more than an hour at a time without his inner demons waking him up. Even the sleeping pills the med-nin had added to his pharmaceutical cocktail didn't seem to help much.

Gai looked over at Lee. In the faint moonbeams from the window, he could see the dim outline of his student's form, the shine of reflected light in Lee's eyes. "You're never going to get to sleep with your eyes open, you know. Is anything wrong?"

Lee hesitated. "I just have such trouble sleeping these days. My dreams are so ugly, I am afraid to close my eyes."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

He heard the click in Lee's throat as he swallowed. "I am embarrassed to ask. It is childish, but…can you lay down next to me? Last time, when you held me…it helped. I cannot ask you to hold me all night again, but I just want to be close to you for a little while. Please."

Gai hesitated. Then, without a word, he climbed into bed with Lee and wrapped his arms around his student's smaller body. Lee snuggled against him and slipped an arm around his waist. Gai rested a hand on Lee's head and stroked his soft, silky hair. He could feel Lee's heartbeat, his breathing.

He'd embraced Lee many times, but laying next to him like this, their arms wrapped around each other…this was different. Lee wasn't a small child—he was long past the age where it seemed appropriate to hold and cuddle him in a parental way—but he wasn't yet an adult, either. And something about this situation seemed so…intimate. Gai wondered if he should really be doing this. But Lee needed comfort. If this calmed him and helped him get some much-needed sleep, how could Gai refuse?

"Thank you," Lee whispered. His breathing grew slow and soft. For a few minutes, he didn't speak or move, and Gai thought he'd drifted off. Then he spoke, very quietly. "I like it when you hold me. I like being close to you like this."

"You do?"

"Yes. Is that strange?"

Gai's pulse quickened. "N-no. Not at all. It's just…if we were seen in bed together like this, people could get the wrong idea."

"But no one will see us."

"I know. Still…we should be careful. You must understand, there are certain boundaries. I know it isn't--like _that_--but still...I'll stay close to you tonight, but I don't think we should make a habit out of it."

Lee looked up, uncertainty in his expression. In the dim light, his eyes were like dark pools. Then he lowered his gaze. "Of course," he murmured. "I understand."

"It's not that I don't want to, it's just…Lee? Lee, you're shaking. What's wrong?"

"It is nothing."

Gai studied his face and saw the glint of tears on his cheeks. "Have I upset you? Please talk to me. Tell me."

"I just…I feel so many things toward you, and sometimes I do not know how to sort through it all. My own heart confuses me. I am just afraid of what would happen if I—I am sorry, I am babbling. My head is such a mess…I feel like my thoughts are all tangled up, and I cannot even put them into words. I just…" He gulped, then blurted out, "I love you, Gai-sensei. I love you so much."

Gai's eyes widened.

Lee had never said the words "I love you" to him before, but it was a given that they loved each other, an unspoken fact, evident in every look, every word, every embrace. Why did Lee say it as if he were afraid of the consequences? "I—I love you too, Lee. You know that."

"You do not understand," Lee whispered. He bowed his head. Tears dripped to the bed sheets.

"Lee…" He swallowed, his throat tightening. He had the strange feeling that they were teetering on the edge of a precipice.

Lee didn't look up.

"What don't I understand, Lee?"

Lee trembled against him. "I cannot say anymore," he whispered. "Forgive me. You are all I have right now. Your love holds me together when I feel like I am falling apart. I cannot risk losing that."

"You won't lose me. I promise."

"It would…change things."

Gai took a deep breath. His heart raced. What Lee was saying...it couldn't be what it sounded like. Could it? "You need sleep," he murmured. "Tomorrow, we can talk more. Your mind will be clearer in the morning."

Lee nodded, his gaze downcast.

Gai smoothed his hair. "Just rest," he whispered, and pulled Lee closer. "Rest."

Lee's breathing and heartbeat slowed as he drifted off.

Unbidden, a line from Lee's suicide note rose into Gai's mind: _I do not have time to say all that is in my heart. Perhaps it is best that some things remain unsaid, anyway._

But what? thought Gai. What remained unsaid?

* * *

Morning came. Gai waited for Lee to bring up the subject again, but he didn't, and Gai didn't want to press him. So he let it go.

After that, Lee didn't ask Gai to hold him anymore. He endured his bad dreams alone.

-To be continued


	6. Chapter 6

Time passed.

Lee returned to the hospital to have his bulky casts removed and replaced with stiff bandages that would protect his limbs without restricting his movement too much. He resumed training, albeit with only half his body. He still couldn't move his damaged limbs very well…and lately, he'd been complaining of pain in his lower back, something that puzzled the doctors. They dismissed it as muscle stiffness from spending so much time in bed.

The antidepressants seemed to be doing their job. Lee seemed, if not happy, then at least more stable. Still, Gai couldn't shake the feeling that the drugs also robbed Lee of something. He moved through each day like a sleepwalker; he often seemed unfocused and distracted. But overall, his condition improved enough that Gai was able to leave him alone sometimes. He resumed teaching Neji and Tenten.

Then the day arrived: the final part of the Chunin Exams…and with it, the attack on Konoha. All the Jonin were pushed into action to defend the village. After ensuring that Lee was safe at home, Gai was forced to leave him alone for several days.

At last, Gai came home to find Lee sitting up in bed, dressed in a simple, white kimono, staring out the window. At the sight of his student, alive and safe, a knot deep in Gai's gut loosened. "Lee…"

Lee turned toward him. His face was pale and drawn, but he smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Gai-sensei!" He leaped out of bed, and Gai swept him up in a tight embrace. Lee hugged him back. "I am glad you are safe," he whispered, and lay his head on Gai's shoulder.

"Of course I am." He chuckled. "You didn't think I'd be hurt in a minor skirmish like this, did you?"

"I knew you would be all right. Still…I am glad to see you. I have missed out on a lot, have I not?"

"Do you know what happened?"

"Neji told me everything, yes." He sighed. "I wish I could help. What a time to be injured."

"I'm sorry I couldn't come back sooner."

"You do not have to apologize. You have been protecting our village. I would not have wanted you to shirk your duty for my sake."

"I know. Still…" God, Lee felt so _thin—_so fragile, like he might break if Gai squeezed him too hard_._ It was like hugging a collection of sticks.

Gai pulled back studied his student's face. He hadn't seen Lee since the final day of the Chunin Exam. Now, looking at him for the first time in days, Gai noticed—with a shock—how emaciated Lee had grown. He'd probably been losing weight since the injury, but somehow it had never struck Gai with such force until now. Lee's cheeks were hollow, his chin more pointed than usual, and his eyes seemed to have sunken deeper into their sockets.

"You haven't been taking care of yourself," Gai said quietly. "Have you eaten at all since I left?"

Lee lowered his gaze. "A little," he murmured. "I…I have not had much appetite lately. Some of this medicine I am taking makes me nauseous."

"Well, starting right now, you're going to be eating three square meals a day. And we'll talk to the doctor about cutting back on the medications, if that's the issue. Have you had breakfast today?"

Lee shook his head.

"Wait here." Gai went into the kitchen. He made oatmeal and eggs, then watched as Lee ate. Lee picked at the food without much enthusiasm, but with Gai's urgings, he managed to get most of it down, then took his pills. His eyes remained distant and unfocused, however. "Is anything on your mind?" asked Gai.

Lee paused, then sighed. "It is silly. Petty. I am embarrassed to talk about it."

Gai waited.

"During the final stage of the Chunin Exam, when Uchiha Sasuke battled Gaara, I noticed…"

"That he was using your Taijutsu?"

Lee nodded, his gaze downcast. "When I saw that, I felt angry. Jealous. More than that, I felt almost…violated. Those moves I spent years perfecting, he absorbed with his Sharingan and mastered within a month. It feels like he stole something from me." Lee's hands curled into fists. "I know I should not resent him. I know it is childish, but…" His shoulders trembled. "It is not fair."

"No, it isn't," Gai said quietly, "but then, nothing ever is."

Lee stared down at the bed-sheets. "When I fought Sasuke, I was so confident that he could not use his Sharingan against me, because I was only using Taijutsu—only physical skills—and unless he could match my speed and strength, he could not copy my moves. But now…" Lee's fists tightened until his knuckles turned white. "What is the use, Gai-sensei? Why try so hard, when people like Sasuke and Neji can exceed me so easily?"

"It's not like you to talk like this, Lee."

"I know, but…lately, I have found it difficult to hope. It feels as if my brain is full of dark clouds. The drugs keep me calm, take the edge off, but that is all. I have begun to wonder if there is any point to it all."

Gai placed a finger beneath Lee's chin and lifted his face. "Do you think I've never felt discouraged? You're forgetting that the genius Kakashi, who trained Sasuke, is my lifelong rival. Many times, I poured all my heart, soul and effort into learning some new technique, sure that I'd be able to best him, only to have him defeat me without even seeming to try. I burned with frustration. My blood boiled at the unfairness of it. But I never let it stop me. And you won't either. If your techniques are no longer effective against your rivals, then you will find newer, better ones, even if you have to work ten or twenty times harder than they do. That's who you are. It's your curse—and mine—but it's also your greatest blessing, the thing that makes you special…and ultimately, it's what makes you stronger than they'll ever be."

"You think so?" he whispered.

Gai nodded and smiled at Lee. "Sometimes I try to imagine what it must be like, being a genius—learning everything so easily and quickly, as if by magic. Sometimes I think it would be wonderful. But more often, I think it must be an empty, unsatisfying feeling. How can talent truly be _yours, _unless you've sweated and struggled and earned it yourself? How can it mean anything? Look at Neji. He's a very talented ninja, but does he take any pride or pleasure in his strength?"

"No. He does not seem to really enjoy winning. He just…expects it."

"Well, there you have it." He touched Lee's cheek lightly with his fingertips. "You are what you are. You're a genius of effort. You're strong, not through chance or fate, but because you decided to be strong. That strength flows from your very soul, from your determination, your will to succeed. No one can take it from you."

Lee smiled, his gaze downcast, long lashes hiding his eyes. "Somehow, you always know just what to say to make me feel better," he said softly. "You must have some magic power over me."

"I know you. That's all." Gai smiled and winked. "I have some good news for you. A great healer will be coming to our village soon."

"Really? Who?"

"Lady Tsunade, one of the legendary Three Ninjas. Jiraiya and his student, Naruto-kun, have gone looking for her. If all goes well, she will become our new Hokage."

"You think she might be able to heal me?"

"I'm certain of it. There's no better healer in the world."

Lee gazed up at him, and Gai could see the conflict in those expressive eyes; the need to hope, the fear of disappointment.

"I promise you, Lee. She _will_ help you. If Jiraiya can't persuade her to come here, I'll find her and bring her to Konoha myself, even if I have to drag her every step of the way."

"If she is one of the Three Ninjas, I do not think that would be so easy."

"Maybe not, but when have I ever backed down from a challenge?"

Lee's smile widened. "If anyone could do it, Gai-sensei, you could."

And Gai _would _do it, if he had to. He would move the world to see that smile.

Lee leaned back on his stack of pillows and winced.

"Are you all right?"

"My stomach hurts." He pressed a hand to it. "It will pass, though. It is just this medication. It does not seem to agree with my system."

Gai watched him a moment. He remembered when he himself was a child and had a stomach ache, his mother had sometimes sat on his bed and rubbed his stomach until the pain subsided. He remembered how soothing her touch had been. "Maybe I can help." He loosened the sash of Lee's kimono and slid a hand beneath. He heard Lee's breath catch in his throat as he lay a hand on Lee's stomach—even filled with food, it was slightly concave—and rubbed in slow, gentle circles.

A flush rose into Lee's cheeks.

"Does that help at all?"

"It does, actually. It—it feels good." Lee watched the movement of his hand. His breathing quickened.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No."

Gai paused, looking at Lee's face. His hand rested, motionless, on his student's belly. The skin was smooth and soft. He pressed lightly with his fingertips, and Lee giggled. "Tickles…"

Lee didn't often laugh, but when he did, it was a wonderful sound, clear and bright and young. It had been so long since he'd heard that laughter; it was like a drink of cool water after a long trek through the desert. He wanted more. His fingertips slid down Lee's stomach, found the small indentation of his navel and circled it, teasing his sensitive skin, trying to coax more of that sweet music from his throat. Lee let out a little gasp, pulled away, hunched over and drew his knees up to his chest. His cheeks blazed with color.

And Gai realized what he'd been doing—how completely inappropriate it was. Heat rose into his own cheeks, and he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't—"

"It is all right." Lee hugged his knees to his chest, and he looked so much like a child that Gai averted his gaze, and a hot lump of shame rose into his throat, choking him.

What had he been thinking? Touching him like that, stroking his stomach… "I'm sorry," he said again. "I got carried away."

"I understand," Lee said in a small voice. A long silence. "May I…" Lee swallowed. "May I be alone a moment?"

"Yes. Of course." Oh God, what had he done? Lee would never trust him again now. He wanted to explain—to tell Lee that it wasn't like that, that he'd just wanted to hear his laughter—but he bit his tongue, knowing that anything he said would sound like a flimsy rationalization.

Gai stood, left the bedroom and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the wall and pressed the heel of one hand to his forehead.

Then he heard…breathing. He froze. Unable to help himself, he pressed his ear against the door. Lee was breathing heavily; ragged, shaky breaths. Was he crying? No. It wasn't quite like that. It was almost like…

Gai's eyes widened.

Lee's breathing quickened. Heavier. Louder. A sharp gasp—then silence.

Gai gulped, heart thumping. Had he just…?

He stood, not moving, listening. He heard the rustle of movement, but nothing else. After a minute, he walked down the hall, into the living room, his mind whirling. Not knowing what else to do, he began to pace.

* * *

Lee stared down at his hand. Thick, white come slid down his palm. He wiped it away with a wad of tissues.

It was the first time he had masturbated since his injury. Of course, there hadn't been many chances, with Gai-sensei so close to him all the time, and the drugs seemed to numb that part of his mind. Maybe that was a mercy, given the circumstances. Otherwise, he was sure, he would have exploded from pent-up arousal by now. But that hand on his belly, those warm, strong fingers pressing lightly into his skin, stroking him—

Lee closed his eyes. Even now, the memory made him weak with pleasure.

For awhile, he'd tried to fool himself. Told himself that his infatuation with Gai-sensei was a passing phase. Told himself that Sakura-san was the one he liked now.

He found his mind drifting back to the day he'd saved Sakura, and the strange conversation with Neji that had ensued on the following night. They'd made camp, the three of them, Neji, Lee and Tenten. Lee had gone into the woods to make sure the protective traps they'd set were all in place, and Neji had followed him.

The conversation replayed itself in Lee's mind, now. He could almost see Neji in front of him, moonlight glinting on his bone-white eyes, his expression unreadable.

"_Why are you pursuing that girl, Lee?"_

"_Why? Be…because I am in love with her, of course! I told you that."_

"_No you aren't. You don't even know her."_

"_What are you implying?"_

"_To deceive oneself is the greatest form of cowardice. You're better than that. Stop hiding from your true self."_

Lee had flushed and sputtered that he didn't know what Neji was talking about. But of course, he did.

He'd been so relieved to find himself attracted to a girl, even if that attraction was a pale shadow of what he felt for his sensei. He'd wanted to be normal, and liking girls was normal. So he'd convinced himself he was in love with her.

But the truth was, since his injury, he'd hardly thought about Sakura-san at all. She had been a goal to strive for, something to win. Because that was normal. Because she was a pretty girl, and boys were supposed to like pretty girls.

But he didn't love her, not really. He'd been in love with the _idea _of loving her. That was the hard, bitter truth. The one he loved, the one he wanted more than anything was…

"Gai-sensei," he whispered.

But Gai-sensei was a grown-up—his teacher. He couldn't return Lee's feelings. It would never be allowed. Lee buried his face against the pillow.

_What am I going to do?_

-To be continued


	7. Chapter 7

Gai paused outside Lee's room and peered in through the half-open door. Lee lay in bed, his back to Gai as he stared at the wall.

Gai had paced for about twenty minutes before finally deciding that he couldn't afford to ignore this. For the past few months, he'd done his best to repress his growing suspicion, because he knew that if he was right—if Lee was attracted to him—everything would change. Could he go on being Lee's teacher, knowing how he really felt? Could he go on living under the same roof as him?

But the evidence was right in front of him now. He was not exactly sure what he was supposed to do in a situation like this, but he had to do _something_.

He entered the room and cleared his throat.

Lee sat up. "Gai-sensei…"

"Hello, Lee. I wonder if…well…if there's anything you would like to talk to me about."

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Just that. Is there anything on your mind? Anything you want to discuss with me?"

Lee's eyes widened, then he averted his gaze. Gai saw his throat move as he gulped. "N-no. Not really."

Gai sighed. Slowly, he approached the bed and lay a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Lee…" He paused, choosing his words carefully. Should he just ask outright? No…if he was too forceful, too insistent, Lee might panic and shut him out.

He let his hand slip from Lee's shoulder and sat down on the bed, facing away from him. "Feelings can be confusing," he said quietly. "I know that it isn't always easy to talk about them. But sometimes it's important. Because when you keep them locked inside, feelings have a way of growing and consuming you. Sometimes getting them out in the open can…give you some perspective. Help you come to terms with them. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei."

"I want you to be honest with me. Earlier, when I was in here, and I…" Someone knocked on the front door, and Gai blinked. "Er…" The knock came again, louder. _Damn! _"I'd better see who it is. Wait here. I'll be right back." Gai went to the front door and opened it. Tenten stood there, panting, as if she'd just run a long way. "What is it?" said Gai, unable to keep the irritation out of his voice.

Tenten frowned. "You're unusually grumpy."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sorry. I don't mean to be that way, I was just in the middle of something rather important. Can this wait?"

"I just thought you might like to know. Jiraiya-sama and Naruto-kun just got back. And they brought Lady Tsunade."

Gai's breath caught in his throat. "They—they found her?"

"Yes. And she's agreed to be our Hokage. She's already healed that Uchiha boy. She's really something. I thought if she took a look at Lee—"

Gai laughed aloud, his frustration forgotten in a burst of joy and relief. He swept Tenten up in a hug and spun her around, ignoring her startled cry of, "Hey!"

Gai set her on her feet. He was grinning so widely his face had begun to hurt. "That's wonderful! I'll tell him right away!" He ran into Lee's room. "Lee! Splendid news! Lady Tsunade is here, and she's taking patients right now! She's going to heal you!"

Lee's eyes widened. "Really?"

Gai gave him a big grin and a thumbs up. "Get dressed. We're going to see her at once!"

Their discussion could wait a little longer. He wanted to see Lee well and smiling again as soon as possible.

* * *

An hour later, Gai walked out of the Hokage's office, his jaw muscles rigid, Tsunade's pronouncement still ringing in his head: _It's best that he give up being a ninja._

How could she say those words so coldly, so bluntly? Didn't she have any idea what they _meant?_ Without his dream, Lee could not survive. She had given him a death sentence. Gai clenched his fists until his nails pressed into his palms, then took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

He returned to his apartment. Lee wasn't there.

Sometime later, he found Lee on the balcony overlooking the village. Lee sat on the bench, shoulders slumped, gaze downcast. He looked so vulnerable, so lost.

Again, Tsunade's words echoed through his mind: _The odds are fifty-fifty, at best. If the operation fails, he'll die._

Gai's heart ached. _Lee…my dear child. _That one so young should be forced to make such a terrible choice…it was too cruel.

And Lee was in no condition to make that decision. Gai could see that. Ordinarily, in this situation, his parents would help him. But of course, Lee had no family. No one except Gai.

In his memory, he saw Lee in the secluded forest clearing, training for hour after hour, pushing himself to his limits and beyond, pursuing his only dream—his dream of becoming a great ninja. He heard that young, sweet voice in his mind—_Tell me, Gai-sensei, if I work hard, can I be like you?—_and pain split his heart down the middle.

_My precious Lee. How can I let you take such a chance? If you die, what will I do? How will I go on?_

Without his dream, Lee's life would become empty. But to lose him now…

Gai's chest tightened with panic at the thought. But he couldn't give in to his feelings. Lee needed him now, more than ever—needed Gai's strength to lean on.

He took a deep breath and placed a hand on Lee's shoulder. Lee looked up and blinked. "Gai-sensei…"

Gai smiled. Prepared himself. _Guide him. Reassure him._

He talked to Lee for quite awhile. He listened while Lee poured out his fears, watched the tears slide down his face. And he said the words Lee needed to hear, hiding his own pain behind a smile. Somehow, he found the strength inside himself to remain calm and steady, to be a rock for Lee to cling to in the river of his own emotions.

When Lee asked him, his voice soft and plaintive, broken with pain—"Please tell me, Gai-sensei, what should I do?"—it nearly killed Gai to say the words: "Get the operation, Lee."

Even knowing that Lee could never exist without his dream—that they had to take this chance—it ripped Gai apart to know he might be leading his most important person to an early death. Yet there was no room to hesitate now. Gai plunged ahead: "The operation _will _succeed. Your willpower will create the future. And if, by some slim chance, the operation fails…I will die with you. That's a promise."

Lee's eyes widened. He sat perfectly still, staring at Gai, his mouth open slightly. Then he hurled himself at Gai and clung to him tightly, his face buried against Gai's chest, his shoulders trembling. "Gai-sensei!"

Gai held him and stroked his hair as he cried.

* * *

Later, they went home, and Gai tucked Lee into bed.

"Did you mean it, Gai-sensei? What you said earlier?"

"You know me. When I make a promise, I stick to it no matter what."

Lee gazed up at him. Normally, his eyes just appeared dark. But now, with the lamplight shining into them, the deep brown irises were visible. _Such pretty eyes. _Was it abnormal to have thoughts like that? But Lee _did _have such a beautiful face. So unique, so special. He could look at it for hours. "You mean…if I die, you will…"

"I meant it just the way it sounded."

Lee took a deep breath. A complex spectrum of emotions moved across his eyes—love, wonder, fear, longing. He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment. "I—I do not want to be separated from you, Gai-sensei. What scares me most about dying is the idea of being taken away from you. But…I cannot ask you to do that. It would be terribly selfish of me."

"You don't need to ask."

"But the village needs you. Neji and Tenten need you. I—I understand why you made that promise. You wanted to prove to me that you really, truly believe the operation will succeed…that you are so sure, you are willing to stake your own life on it. And…it is your way of taking responsibility if things go wrong…because you encouraged me to have the operation. But you only confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I have to do this. It is my choice to have this surgery, so you do not have to feel responsible, whatever the outcome. If I die, I die. You should not have to sacrifice your life, too."

"That isn't why I made the promise, Lee."

"It is not?"

"No."

"Then why?"

Gai was silent a moment. Then he lowered his head until his lips almost touched Lee's ear, and he whispered, "I can't live without you. That's the simple truth. If I lost you, I would die inside anyway. My world would become dark and empty, and I wouldn't be able to endure it. I want to be with you always…even if it means my death."

Lee's eyes widened, and he turned his head, so his face was only an inch from Gai's, so close that Gai couldn't even focus on his features. "I—I feel the same about you," Lee whispered.

Gai leaned in closer still. He felt Lee's breath on his lips…then jerked his head back, heart pounding.

_What just happened? _Gai blinked. He felt disoriented, dizzy, as if he were emerging from a trance.

"Gai-sensei?" Lee's voice was soft, uncertain.

He took a deep breath. His heart knocked against his ribs as horrified realization dawned: _I almost kissed him._

What had come over him? He wasn't thinking clearly. That was all. He'd been overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment and…and…

Dear God, what sort of man was he?

"We—we should get some sleep," he murmured, and lay down on his floor-mat.

But sleep was a long time in coming.

* * *

Lee lay awake, staring at his sensei's still form. A beam of moonlight fell across his handsome face and gleamed on his coal-black hair, and something in Lee's chest ached.

If he didn't tell Gai soon, he might never get another chance. But what good would it do now? Did it matter?

A voice in his mind replied: _Yes._ Of course it mattered. If he died, he wanted to die with his soul unburdened.

He was going to tell Gai how he felt. Tomorrow.

* * *

Gai stared in disbelief at the paper Tsunade had just handed to him: a mission briefing. "Lady Tsunade…forgive me, but is there no one who can go in my place?"

She sat at her desk, her hands folded, her expression grim. "If there was anyone else, I wouldn't be giving this to you."

"But Lee's surgery…"

"Is tomorrow. I know. I am sorry, I truly am. I know that boy means a lot to you, and I know you'd prefer to be here when it happens, but the village is short on Jonin as it is, and this mission is vital to the safety of Konoha. You'll leave tomorrow morning at first light." Her tone made it clear that there was no room for negotiation.

"But…" Gai bit his tongue, took a deep breath and bowed his head. How could he refuse, knowing their village was in a time of crisis, that every capable pair of hands was needed? _But…Lee..._

"Can I count on you?"

He hesitated, then nodded. "Yes, Lady Tsunade." He turned and left the office, his insides a knot, one thought looming large in his mind: how was he going to tell Lee?

* * *

"How are you feeling?" asked Neji.

"I am fine," said Lee, and smiled.

"You always say that."

Neji sat in a chair next to Lee's bed. Gai had left early that morning, responding to a summons from their new Hokage, but Lee had not been alone; Tenten had visited earlier that day and left a vase of lilies on the windowsill, and Neji had arrived soon after she left. "How are you feeling?" he asked again. "I mean really."

Lee met Neji's gaze and shrugged. "I am nervous, of course. The surgery is tomorrow. Overall, though…I am not as afraid as I expected to be. Before I made up my mind to have the operation, I felt so scared, so confused and miserable, but now—even though I know there is a good chance I might die—I am calm inside."

Neji hesitated, then cleared his throat. "I wanted to give you this." He handed him a small, green stone carved into the shape of a bird.

Lee turned it over in his hands. "Thank you," he said, a little puzzled. "It is beautiful, but…what is it?"

"A good luck charm. I don't know if you really believe in that sort of thing or not, but I figured it couldn't hurt."

Lee felt his eyes widen. "Thank you, Neji." His fingers curled around the charm. "This means a lot to me."

"How did you make up your mind? To have the surgery, I mean."

"I talked to Gai-sensei about it. I think I already knew in my heart what I needed to do, but he confirmed my feelings. And he…" Lee paused, wondering how much he should say. "He made a promise to me. A beautiful promise." Even now, the memory stirred his soul and quickened his heartbeat. To know that Gai loved him, needed him that much…

Neji's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Lee paused. How would Neji react if he knew? Suddenly he wished he hadn't brought it up. "Never mind."

Neji leaned forward, his eyes sharp and intent. "What did he promise you?"

"It—it was very personal. I am not sure I should repeat it."

Neji gripped Lee's wrist. His eyes were wide; there was a strange, wild, almost frightened look in them. "Lee, what did Gai promise you?"

Lee tensed in surprise, and he saw at once that he'd already said too much; Neji wasn't going to let up on this. Lee took a deep breath. "He—he promised that if the surgery failed, he would die with me."

Shock flashed across Neji's face, then pain, then anger. "He _what?_"

"But there is nothing to be afraid of, because it will not fail," Lee hurried on. "I am sure of that. It…it was just…"

Neji leaped to his feet. "He's going to kill himself if the operation fails? That's lunacy! And you're all right with this? You think it's _beautiful?_"

Lee cringed. This had been a mistake, a terrible mistake. He should have known better than to say anything, but it was too late to undo the damage now. "You do not understand, Neji."

"Then explain it to me. Why would he do such a thing? Out of some twisted sense of honor?"

"No. It...it is not like that. I told him he did not have to, but he said…he said he cannot live without me. He needs me."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"That's pathetic."

The words were like drops of acid on Lee's heart. "No, it is not! How could you say that?"

"Don't you see how sick it is? The way he clings to you? A grown man so empty and weak that he can't even face life without—"

Lee lunged to his feet, ignoring the flare of pain in his back. He swung a fist and felt it connect with Neji's jaw. Neji flew across the room, hit the wall and slid down. Lee stood over him, panting, fists clenched. His damaged muscles burned like fire, but he barely noticed. "How dare you insult him like that? You do not know what you are talking about! How could you possibly understand the bond between us?"

Neji looked up, blood trickling from a split lower lip. "Oh, I understand." His voice had gone dangerously cold. Slowly, he rose to his feet and wiped the back of one hand across his bleeding mouth. "I understand it all too well. Do you think I'm a fool?"

"I--I do not know what you are talking about."

"How long has he been fucking you?"

Lee recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "Wh-what?"

"Don't even try to deny it. I see it every time you're with him. The looks that pass between you…all that hugging and touching…do you know what it's like for me, having to watch that all the time? I should have figured it out sooner. I've always known you were his favorite. He never even bothered to hide it. Is this how you've been paying him back for all that special attention he gives you?"

"He has never touched me!" Tears stung Lee's eyes. How had this turned bad so quickly? "You are wrong about this, Neji. It…it is not…"

"When did he promise to die with you? When you were sucking his cock? After he came inside you? Can't go on living without his little fucktoy to keep him warm…"

Blind with rage, with tears, Lee lunged at Neji and swung his fist again, knocked him to the floor again.

Why wasn't he fighting back?

"Do not say anything else," said Lee, his voice shaking. "I am warning you. I will not let you insult him anymore."

Neji lay on the floor, panting. He spat blood, stared into space, and said nothing.

Lee gritted his teeth and clenched his fists tighter. Hot twinges of pain lanced through his spine…then a bolt of agony ripped through his whole body. He screamed and fell to the floor.

"Lee!"

He tried to sit up, but another lightning-bolt of pain split him down the middle. A wave of dizziness washed over him, and a dark haze swept across his vision. When he came to, there were arms around him, holding him. "Neji?" He tried to sit up and flinched.

"Don't try to move," Neji whispered. "You fool. Attacking me in your condition…"

"You are wrong about Gai-sensei, Neji," Lee whispered. Another tear slipped from the corner of his eye. "He is a good man. He…"

"Never mind that. You need to get back in bed."

"I am fine!" Lee snapped. He tried to stand. Another spasm gripped his lower back, and he cried out. A red haze of pain washed across his vision, and blackness swallowed him again.

When he awakened, he was in bed. Someone had pulled the covers up over him. The small, carved stone bird sat on the table next to his bed…but Neji was gone.

* * *

Gai walked down the street toward his apartment, his heart heavy, the mission briefing clenched tight in one hand. He froze when he saw a familiar form standing on the street ahead of him. "Neji…what…"

Neji stared at him, his face expressionless. "Is it true?"

Gai tensed. Had Lee told him? No…he wouldn't, surely. Would he? "Is what true?"

"You know what I'm talking about. This death-pact you've made with Lee."

Gai took a deep breath. "Listen…Neji, I…"

"Are we not enough?" he asked quietly. "Do Tenten and I mean nothing to you?"

"It isn't that. I care about all of you. You're dear to me."

"Then why?" Neji's fists clenched. "_Why, _Gai?"

Gai hung his head. After a moment, he looked up. "I know this isn't fair to you. I do care about you, Neji. I know you might not believe me, but I love you and Tenten…"

"Stop it. If you loved us, you wouldn't be doing this. The only one you've ever cared about is him. We are afterthoughts to you."

"That absolutely isn't true. If I believed I _could _go on being your teacher after losing him, I would. But if Lee dies, then something inside me—whatever it is that allows me to be who I am—will break."

"So if that happens, you'll just…give up?"

"It's not a matter of giving up." He sighed. "I don't know how to explain it. I've never been good with words. But Lee and I…I love him, but it's more than that. We're linked. I'm bound to him."

Neji's brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

"I don't fully understand it myself. I just _know _it. If he dies, I won't even have to kill myself. My body will just…stop. Without him, I'll die as surely as if my heart were torn from my chest."

"That's crazy."

"It's the truth, nevertheless. You see that, don't you? Look at me with your Byakugan if you want, if it will help you understand what I'm saying."

Neji stared at him for a long moment. Then he looked away, his jaw tight. "When Lee told me," he said quietly, "I was upset. I was…furious. Furious that you would abandon me like that, and that he would condone it. I said things to him. Terrible, cruel things. I wanted to hurt him, and I did."

"Please don't resent him for this, Neji. It isn't his doing. If you must hate someone, hate me."

Neji stared down at his hands, then slowly curled them into fists. "You know how he feels about you, don't you?"

Gai's heartbeat quickened. After a brief pause, he said, "Yes."

"Have you slept with him?"

Gai's back went rigid. "Of course not! Do you think I'm a monster? He's a child, and my student besides. I could never use him like that. To take advantage of his innocence and trust in me would be the most evil, the most perverted, the most repugnant…"

"He would welcome it."

Gai stuttered and flushed. "That's beside the point! He—why are we even talking about this?!"

"I've known for some time. And I used those feelings against him. To break him." Neji was silent a moment, staring into space. "Most people, I don't care about one way or the other. I have no reason to be cruel or kind to them. I just ignore them. It's the ones who can touch me—the ones who make me feel something—that I always want to hurt. What does that say about me, I wonder? Am I just a bad person? Is that why people leave me?"

"Neji…you…"

"I've already lost a father. I know now that it was his choice to die—that he did it for his brother's sake. For love's sake. At first I was glad to learn he hadn't been killed, as I'd always thought, but…if he chose to die, it means he chose to leave me. I wasn't enough reason for him to stay. And now, if Lee dies, I will lose you as well." He stared at the street. "I am not an easy person to love. I know that. But…if you won't stay for me, will you stay for her?"

"Neji, come here."

Neji didn't move, so Gai went to him instead. He wrapped his arms around Neji and pulled him close. Neji's back stiffened, but he didn't pull away. Normally, he shrank from touch. Gai had learned early on that he wouldn't tolerate being hugged, and even a friendly pat on the shoulder made him tense up. This was a first. "No one is going to leave you," Gai said quietly. "I will not die. And neither will Lee. The surgery will be successful, and we can be a team again. A family again. Everything will be fine."

Neji rested his forehead on Gai's shoulder. "That's a promise you can't make."

-To be continued

AN: Yes, Lee _will _tell Gai how he feels, I promise. I was planning to have it happen in this chapter, but it was already getting absurdly long so I had to delay it a bit longer. As always, reviews are welcome.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: The following chapter contains some sexual material. Nothing too explicit, but I thought I'd warn my readers, all the same.

* * *

Gai entered Lee's room to find him sitting up in bed, staring out the window. As Gai approached, Lee's head turned toward him. "Gai-sensei…"

"Hello, Lee." Gai approached and looked closely at Lee's face. His eyes were red-rimmed, as if he'd been crying. "What's wrong?"

Lee lowered his eyes and rubbed one hand across them. "I am sorry. I probably look awful. I just…I had an argument with Neji." Lee paused. "Forgive me, Gai-sensei. I—I told him. I told him about your promise. I did not mean to, but…"

"I know. I talked to him."

"You did?"

Gai nodded. "I explained the situation. I think he understands."

"I ruined everything by telling him. I made him hate me."

"No. It isn't you he's upset with." Gai paused. "Lee, I…there's something I need to tell you. Lady Tsunade assigned me a mission today. If I go, I probably won't return for several days, at least."

Lee's eyes widened. "That means…"

Gai nodded.

Fear flashed through Lee's eyes, and immediately, Gai knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't leave Lee alone. He took Lee's hand and squeezed it. "Don't worry. I'll refuse the mission."

"Is it urgent?"

Gai hesitated.

"It is, isn't it? Tsunade knows about our…our situation. She would not ask it if you unless there was no one else."

"You're the most important thing to me, Lee. I'll stay."

Lee took a slow, deep breath. "You have already taken so much time off from missions to look after me. I cannot ask you to compromise your duty to the village for my sake. Please…just go." He looked up and forced a smile. "I will be fine. The surgery will be successful. You said so yourself. So there is nothing for me to be afraid of, right?"

"Yes…but still…" Gai looked at Lee. Despite his brave words, he was shaking, and tears glistened at the corners of his big, dark eyes. "Oh, Lee. I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I don't want to leave you."

"Just come back safely. I want to see you if—when I wake."

"You will see me again." Gai touched Lee's smooth, soft cheek with his fingertips. "I swear it."

* * *

For the rest of the evening, Lee was quiet, withdrawn. His smiles were forced, his face pale. Around 10:00, they returned to the bedroom and changed into their sleep clothes. Lee climbed into bed, and Gai pulled the covers over him. "Is there anything you want right now?" he asked quietly. "Anything you need?"

Lee looked up at him. "You will be here tonight, will you not?"

"Yes. I leave early tomorrow morning."

"Then...may I spend the night in your arms?"

Gai's heartbeat quickened.

"Please?" Lee whispered. "I just want to be held by you. That is all."

Gai took a deep breath and nodded. "All right." He hesitated, then climbed into bed, slid beneath the covers and wrapped his student in an embrace. With all the weight he'd lost since his injury, Lee felt small and fragile in his arms--too small, it seemed, to house such a powerful spirit, such a big and courageous heart.

For awhile, Lee clung to him in silence, his face hidden against Gai's chest, and Gai ran his fingers through that soft, dark hair. Then Lee whispered, "Will you do something for me, Gai-sensei?"

"Yes. Whatever you want, it's yours."

A long pause. Then—so softly it was barely audible—Lee murmured, "Kiss me."

Gai's heart-rate spiked. He knew he hadn't misheard, but still, he couldn't help asking, "Wh-what's that, Lee?"

"I have never been kissed before," Lee whispered. "If…" He swallowed. "If I _do _die…"

"You won't."

"I know. But just in case. I want to know what it feels like. Please? Just one kiss."

Gai took a slow, deep breath. It shouldn't surprise him. He knew, now—why Lee had been so shy undressing in front of him, why he'd reacted the way he had when Gai touched his stomach. Perhaps a part of him had known for some time. Still... "Are you sure you want this from me?"

"I am sure." He met Gai's gaze. "I am sorry. I know it is selfish of me. I know I am too young, and you are not supposed to do something like this. But—" His voice broke and wavered. "I might never have another chance." Tears welled in his eyes and overflowed. "Please."

"All right," Gai whispered. "If that is what you truly want, then…I'll give you your first kiss." He swallowed, his pulse thumping in his throat. Then, slowly, he lifted his hands to frame Lee's face. His thumbs brushed across Lee's cheekbones as he studied those familiar, well-loved features: the large, dark eyes, the long lashes and thick brows. His gaze moved lower and focused on his lips. Holding his breath, he leaned down until his mouth touched Lee's.

His lips…

His lips were so soft.

The thought flashed through his mind before he could stop it. He closed his eyes. He wasn't sure how he'd expected it to feel, or if he'd had any expectations at all. Yet it caught him by surprise. It was so—pure. So sweet. So strangely natural. The rest of the world fell away, and there was only the warm pressure of Lee's velvet lips against his.

At last, Gai withdrew. Lee lay, eyes closed, lips parted slightly. After a moment, his eyes slowly opened. They were soft, dreamy, unfocused. "Thank you," Lee whispered.

"You're welcome."

They lay in silence for a moment. Lee looked up at him, his eyes uncertain. "Are you disgusted with me for wanting that?"

"No."

A little shiver ran through Lee's body. "Gai-sensei…I…" His voice trembled. Then the words burst out of him, as if he couldn't hold them in anymore: "I am in love with you. I cannot help it. I…I never meant to tell you, but…I could not face this surgery without telling you first. Forgive me. Please forgive me. I know I should not feel this way. I know that you are my teacher and I am half your age, and that it is very, very wrong for me to feel this way, but…"

Gai lay a finger against Lee's lips. "Don't apologize," Gai whispered. "You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Lee drew in his breath softly. "Then…h-how do you feel about me?"

Gai hesitated, wondering how much he should say. Again, there was that sense of teetering on the edge of a deep chasm, the feeling that one wrong move—one misplaced word—could send them both plummeting over. "Lee...I...you're thirteen years old. Whatever I feel, I can't ignore that fact."

Lee lowered his gaze.

"Look at me." Lee looked up, and Gai cupped his cheek with one hand. "You know that I love you."

"But there are different kinds of love. How do you love me?"

"I don't know," Gai said quietly. "When I first met you, the feelings I had toward you were simple. Warm, tender. But now…" His thumb touched the corner of Lee's mouth. Lee's eyes widened. He stared at Gai, perfectly still, as Gai traced his lower lip. Under the calloused pad of his thumb, it felt so smooth, so soft, like a petal. "I don't always understand the feelings I have for you," he murmured. "Sometimes I'm afraid of my feelings. I don't want to hurt you. You mean so much to me. I'm so afraid I might…ruin it somehow."

"Gai-sensei…" Lee hugged him tighter. Gai could feel his student's heart beating hard and fast against his chest. "You could never hurt me."

Gai wished that was true, but he knew it wasn't. Already he'd hurt Lee. He was the reason Lee was facing this dangerous surgery now. He'd followed Gai's teachings. He hadn't given up, even when he'd found himself facing an opponent ten times stronger than him, an opponent with a dangerously unbalanced mind. He'd trusted Gai…and this was the result.

But even now, Lee didn't blame Gai for his situation. He blamed himself…because in Lee's mind, Gai could do no wrong. Knowing how much Lee trusted him had inspired Gai to make himself a better person—to become the man he saw reflected in those wide, adoring eyes—but Gai had never wielded this much power over another's heart. It frightened him to know how easily he could hurt Lee. But it was a responsibility he could never renounce, because Lee needed him…and, he had come to realize, he needed Lee.

He pressed a soft kiss to Lee's forehead. Lee's eyes closed, and Gai kissed his eyelids--first the right, then the left. Lee made a soft sound of pleasure in the back of his throat, so Gai kissed his lids again, then again, moving back and forth between them, feeling the tiny movements of Lee's eyes beneath those delicate veils of flesh. Lee panted, his eyes still closed. His head tilted back, baring his throat. In the moonlight, that tender skin looked as smooth and white as ivory. He whimpered, a small, hungry sound. His heart was beating so fast--Gai could feel it thumping against his chest.

Gai froze when he realized Lee was hard. He could feel the bulge in his student's pajama pants, pressing against his hip as Lee nestled closer to him.

A tremor ran through Lee's body. "Gai-sensei..." Lee's hand slid into Gai's hair. He climbed on top of Gai and lay still for a moment, straddling him, one arm around his sensei's neck, his face pressed into the hollow between Gai's neck and shoulder. Then, slowly, he began to rub against him.

Gai gulped. He lay motionless, frozen, as those slim hips pushed forward and back, forward and back, rocking against his body.

He shouldn't let this go on—he knew that—but to push Lee away, in that moment, would have taken far more strength than he had. _God forgive me, _he thought.

Lee moaned as he continued to rub his erection against Gai's stomach. Even through the thin cotton of their pajamas, Gai could feel that hard, warm flesh sliding back and forth across his abdomen. Then Lee's whole body stiffened, and he let out a little cry. He went limp, chest heaving, head resting against Gai's shoulder. Gai lay, unmoving and silent, his mind whirling, his heart socking against his chest like a fist.

Then Lee's voice broke the silence, soft and uncertain, "Please say something, Gai-sensei."

"Lee, I…" His head was a blank, his mouth dry. He wanted to ask Lee about what had just happened, but to say, _Did you just come? _would have felt…incredibly crass, to say the least. And anyway, there was little doubt in his mind. Instead he mumbled, "Do you need fresh clothes?"

"I, um…I think so."

Something to do. Something to keep his hands and mind occupied for a moment—that was good. He stood, rummaged through the closet and pulled out one of Lee's spare jumpsuits. He handed it to Lee without looking at him, then waited, his back turned, while Lee changed. When Gai finally turned to face him, Lee was sitting on the edge of the bed, head bowed, shoulders hunched, hands clasped together between his knees. "Lee…"

"I did something bad," Lee said without looking up. "I am sorry. I meant to only ask for a kiss. That was all. But…being so close to you, I...I just lost control. I..."

Gai touched Lee's mouth with his fingertips, silencing him. "It's all right," he said, trying to keep his voice calm and gentle, though his heart wouldn't stop pounding. He'd never meant to let it go that far. Technically speaking, he hadn't touched Lee in any way he wasn't supposed to. He'd just lain there and--to put it in the bluntest, most unromantic terms--allowed himself to be used as a masturbatory aid. But even so, a part of him felt as if he'd just molested his student.

Gai pushed his guilt and confusion aside. Right now, panicking and running away would be the absolute worst thing he could do to Lee. Worry about the ethical repercussions later, he thought. Right now, Lee needed comfort; Lee needed all his attention. Gai calmed himself, felt strength well up from some deep place within. "Is there anything you need?"

"Just hold me."

So he did.

After awhile, he noticed Lee's eyelids growing heavy. "Sleep," he said. "You'll need all your strength for tomorrow."

"I…but…this may be my last night with you. I know I should not think that way, but…"

"We will see each other again," Gai said quietly. "Sleep, dear one." Gai hugged him close and felt Lee's breathing grow slow and even as he drifted off.

Gai didn't sleep. He lay awake, feeling Lee's breathing and heartbeat. His life. How wonderful it was just to hold his warm, sleeping body, to watch his eyes moving in little flutters beneath the lids and know that he was dreaming. What a miracle it was just to be alive. This precious person in his arms was unique, irreplaceable. When he left this world, there would never be another like him.

A vision flashed through his mind: Lee, cold and dead in a coffin, hands folded atop his chest, never to open his eyes or smile or laugh again. Gai's chest tightened. Had he done the right thing, encouraging Lee to have the surgery?

It wasn't too late. He could tell Lee not to go through with it, and Lee would listen to him. He could keep him this way, alive and safe. But he knew that would be an unforgivably selfish act. Lee could never be happy without his dream. He deserved this chance…no matter how painful it was to face the possibility of losing him.

So Gai held him, kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids, trying to imprint every memory and sensation on his heart. Then—when dawn's soft light crept through the window—he gently untangled himself from Lee's arms and got out of bed.

He showered, dressed, ate a hasty breakfast. When he returned to the bedroom, Lee was still asleep.

He thought about waking him. He wanted to look into Lee's eyes one last time before he left…but he knew that would just make this harder on both of them. Waking him up to say goodbye would imply that this _was _goodbye, and Gai refused to believe that. He _would _see Lee again. He had assured Lee that the operation would succeed. If he allowed himself to think otherwise, even for a moment, he'd be a liar.

Still…it felt wrong to just walk out without saying anything.

Gai ripped a sheet of paper from a notebook and began to write.

_Lee,_

_I must go now, but I will see you again very soon. Never doubt that. Remember my promise, and know that whatever happens, we will not be apart for long…and no matter where I am, I am with you in my heart._

Gai paused. Should he say anything about what had happened between them last night? No. Best not.

He left the note on the pillow next to Lee's. Then, quietly, he walked out of the apartment.

-To be continued

* * *

AN: Honestly, I was planning to have them just kiss. Considering Lee's age, I wanted to stay away from anything blatantly sexual. But then I started writing the scene and they just wouldn't behave themselves. It's either a sign of inspiration or insanity when you can't control your characters, heh. So, yeah...I feel like kind of a perv now. -_-' Anyway, I'm guessing I'll wrap this up within the next chapter or two. As always, reviews are much appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

Lee woke and knew at once that Gai was already gone. He could feel his sensei's absence like a void inside him, an ache in his chest. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as memories trickled slowly back into his head. His heartbeat quickened.

Had all of that really happened?

Lee sat up slowly and noticed the note next to his pillow. He picked it up and read it, then pressed the paper to his heart. _Gai-sensei…_

After a few minutes, Lee forced himself to set the note down. Today was the big day; the day of his surgery. He needed to get ready. Lee rose from bed, picked up his crutch and limped to the bathroom, where he stripped and showered. As the hot water beat down on his back, his mind drifted back to the previous night.

He remembered Gai's lips on his, warm and gentle…those kisses on his eyelids, each one like an explosion of light inside his head. He'd felt those kisses throughout his whole body—a tingling in his skin, followed by a pressure building inside him until he couldn't contain it anymore--until he had to release it or explode.

Now, remembering what he'd done to Gai, Lee felt the hot sting of shame. He had behaved like a dog in heat. He'd known, even then, that he would regret it...but still, he hadn't been able to stop himself.

Last night might have been their final night together. Though he tried to tell himself that wasn't true, the thought kept pushing its way back into his head. Their final night. He'd wanted it to be pure and sweet, and he had spoiled it.

"Why?" Lee whispered into the silence. He didn't know if he was speaking to God or to himself. "Why do I have to feel this way?"

It hadn't been like that in the beginning. When he'd first known Gai, the bond between them had been wholesome and simple, though no less powerful. Then, without even realizing it at first, he'd started to pay more attention to certain things about his teacher--his hands, for instance. How big they were, how strong and how strangely...beautiful. And the dreams had started. Strange, exciting dreams that filled Lee's heart with confusion.

For a long time, he had tried to deny it, but he could not hide anymore. For over a year now, Lee had been desperately, madly, helplessly in love with Gai. He'd spent countless nights fantasizing about those hands on his body, those lips on his, while repressing and hiding his feelings during the day…and last night, those feelings had all come bubbling to the surface at once and overtaken him. Being in his sensei's arms, drinking in his kisses, had driven him nearly mad with desire. His heart and body had overpowered his mind.

Now, he wished he could take it back. But what was done was done...and he was terrified. How could it ever be the same between them? Had he destroyed their precious bond forever?

Lee rested his head against the shower stall wall. He couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They spilled down his cheeks, silent and endless.

* * *

"Are you ready, Lee?"

Lee lay stomach-down on the operating table, shirtless, covered from the waist-down by a thin sheet. Tsunade stood over him, wearing a white surgical mask and gloves. Two other healers—assistants—stood nearby, also masked and gloved.

"Yes," Lee said, and forced a smile. "I am ready."

"Right. Let's do this thing." She lay a hand over his brow. "You'll begin to feel sleepy in a moment."

Sure enough, a feeling of drowsiness soon crept over him. His eyelids grew heavy, then sank shut. Fear jabbed through him like a spike. _I might not wake up._

No, he thought. He must not think that way. He _would _wake up. He must believe that.

But he found his life playing out before his eyes, the way people always said it did in those final, cold moments before death.

The orphanage, with its narrow beds smelling of moth-balls and dust. Running laps at the Academy. Standing in front of the class and hoping desperately that this time, he could produce a clone—just one clone. Children's voices raised in a mocking chorus, chanting, "Hot-blooded loser!" Then Gai-sensei, like a sudden, overwhelming burst of light in the darkness of his world—kind eyes, gentle smile, and those warm arms, surrounding and enfolding him in love. Neji, standing over him, arms crossed over his chest as Tenten's voice said, "Lee, how many times are you going to put yourself through this?" The Chunin Exam, Gaara, the mind-rending pain as that living sand crushed half his body…waking in the hospital, Gai-sensei by his side…Gai-sensei's strong arms around him, his voice in Lee's ear, whispering words of love…

_Gai-sensei, I am so sorry. I wanted to do better. I didn't want it to end like this…I never wanted to hurt you…Gai-sensei…_

For a moment, he saw Gai's face in his mind, and a gentle voice whispered in his head: "It's all right, Lee."

Then there was only blackness.

* * *

Gai strode through the halls of Konoha hospital. He'd just finished checking up on Neji, who was in stable condition, though he still hadn't regained consciousness. His injuries had been severe. So too, he'd been told, had Chouji's. Even Kiba's ninja hound, Akamaru, had been grievously wounded.

Lee's injuries were minor, the med-nins had assured him—a miracle, considering that he'd run off to fight mere _days _after his surgery. Gai had nearly passed out when he returned from his mission to learn that Lee's surgery had been successful, only to find his hospital room empty and a bottle of sake missing.

_Only Lee, _he thought, and shook his head. No one else would be brave or crazy enough to fight in such a condition. All things considered, Lee had done well against his opponent. Gai allowed himself a surge of pride.

He reached Lee's hospital room and paused outside. His heart pounded, and he dried his sweat-damp palms on his jumpsuit. He hadn't seen Lee since the night before his surgery. The night they'd…

Gai pushed the thought away, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Lee lay in bed, dressed in hospital clothes. When Gai entered, he sat up, and his eyes widened.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. Gai stood, mouth dry, staring at Lee, and Lee stared back.

Gai had known Lee was safe. But when he saw him there, alive and whole, his heart swelled with relief and gratitude and other emotions he couldn't even name. He held his student with his eyes, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, afraid even to blink, for fear he would shatter the moment, that it would turn out to be a dream. A single word escaped his mouth, breaking the silence. "Lee…"

"Hello, Gai-sensei," Lee said quietly.

They stared at each other a moment longer. Then Gai drew in a breath. "You—you shouldn't have left the hospital so soon after your surgery. You could have been badly hurt."

Lee flinched and lowered his eyes. His fists tightened on the bed-sheets. "Gai-sensei…" His voice wavered. He raised his eyes again, and they shone with tears. Then he jumped out of bed and threw himself at Gai, as if to embrace him.

Instead of falling into Gai's arms, however, he dropped to his knees in front of his teacher and bowed until his forehead touched the floor. He was shaking. Gai stared, taken aback. "Lee—what—"

"Forgive me, Sensei! I did not want to worry you, but I could not stand to stay in the hospital while the others fought for their lives. I know it was reckless. Please forgive me."

"Stand up."

Lee hesitated, then rose slowly. He stood before Gai, arms at his sides, eyes downcast. Gai cupped Lee's chin, lifting his face to meet his student's gaze. Tears shone on Lee's cheeks. "You're safe. That's what matters." He smiled, his own eyes filled with tears, and pulled Lee into a tight embrace.

"I am sorry," Lee whispered.

"You don't have to keep apologizing. I know you were only trying to do your duty as a Shinobi."

"Not that. I mean…what I did before. On that night. I kept thinking about that after you left. I cannot imagine what you must think of me." He rested his forehead against Gai's shoulder. "I want so badly to please you, to make you proud of me. I want that more than anything in the world. But somehow, I always fall short. I make mistakes. Terrible mistakes. I do selfish things that hurt you."

"That isn't…"

"It _is _true. I am weak. I tried to take my own life. Then I kept asking you to do things you were not comfortable with, like…like sharing a bed with me…and then I…" Lee clutched the front of Gai's jumpsuit. "You were so kind to me that night. So gentle. And I used you."

"It wasn't like that," Gai said quietly. He combed his fingers through Lee's hair. "You needed that release. I know you were overwhelmed, that you weren't thinking clearly. And I know that it was the strength of your feelings, not lack of caring, that made you act that way. I remember what it's like to be thirteen years old—how powerful and new those feelings can be. I understand."

Lee shook his head. "You do not have to make excuses for me. I know what I did was disgusting. I know it must have sickened you. You give me so much, and I just take advantage of you and—"

"Lee."

Lee fell silent.

"You hold yourself to high standards, and that's a good thing…but you must learn to forgive yourself when you falter, as well. You're forgiving of others, but you're relentlessly cruel to yourself. You torture yourself with guilt. That must stop, do you understand? Everyone makes mistakes. That's why we have people we care about—people who can catch us when we fall."

Lee leaned against him, his tears dampening Gai's jumpsuit. "It seems you are always the one catching me, though. And I am always the one falling. That hardly seems fair to you."

"I was falling when I met you. I'd been falling for a long time. You caught me and raised me up out of the darkness, without ever knowing what you were doing."

"I—I do not understand."

"That's all right." He stroked Lee's hair. "Just know that you've given me more than you'll ever understand. You're a source of endless comfort and inspiration to me. You're my reason. The most precious thing I have."

Lee's breathing quickened.

Gai's arms tightened around his student. "Let's go home, Lee," he whispered.

"Yes, Gai-sensei."

* * *

_Two years later_

"Gai-sensei, are you tired already?"

Gai leaned against a tree, panting. "Just need to…catch my breath." He looked up and saw Lee ahead of him on the trail, jogging in place as he waited. "Go on. I'll catch up to you."

"I am not leaving you behind! Come on!" Lee smiled and beckoned him with one arm.

Gai sighed. He was starting to feel his age, it seemed.

He started lap number four hundred and fifty-two, ignoring the stitch in his side. They'd been training since sun-up, and Lee was still going strong.

At last, they finished their five-hundredth lap and flopped down under the branches of an oak tree.

Gai looked at Lee, who lay sprawled his back, flushed and panting. His face gleamed with sweat in the fading afternoon sunlight. Gai imagined kissing those parted lips, tasting the salt of his sweat. He averted his gaze.

Lately, those sort of thoughts had been popping into Gai's head with disturbing frequency. Lee was sixteen now—no longer really a child, but a young man, and a very attractive one. Even so, Lee was his student. And--he reminded himself--in love with Sakura.

Wasn't he?

He found his mind drifting back to that night before Lee's life-or-death surgery—the night they'd spent in each other's arms.

They'd never really spoken of it. After the operation, things had more or less gone back to normal. By unspoken agreement, that night remained their secret…and with the passing of time, it had grown more and more dreamlike, more surreal, in Gai's memory, to the point where he sometimes wondered if it had really happened at all. But in his deepest heart, he knew it had.

Lee's soft voice roused him from his thoughts: "Gai-sensei?"

Gai turned his head to see Lee sitting up, gazing at him. "What is it, Lee?"

"Why do you never hug me anymore?"

Gai's breath caught in his throat.

It was true. Lately, he'd been reluctant, almost afraid to hug Lee—afraid of how his body might react. He cleared his throat. "Well, you are no longer a child. You're a Chunin now, and a powerful ninja. I thought perhaps I should start treating you more like a man."

"You think it is unmanly to hug?"

"No, I don't mean it like that." He sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. "Just…well, I wasn't sure if that was still something you wanted."

"But I _do _want it. I miss your hugs."

Gai swallowed, his pulse thumping in his throat. He smiled, trying to hide his nervousness. "In that case…" Gai opened his arms.

Lee's eyes brightened, and he fell into Gai's embrace. Gai hugged him close. The salty-sweet scent of Lee's sweat, his skin and hair, filled Gai's nose, making him momentarily dizzy. Lee was still warm with exertion, all firm, young muscle beneath the soft, stretchy fabric of his jumpsuit.

A vision flashed through Gai's head: Lee's body stretched out on a bed, naked, his smooth young skin silvery-pale in the moonlight…

_No, no, no._ He tried to push the image away, but it kept rising back up. His maleness stirred in the confines of his jumpsuit. Gai shut his eyes tight, forced his mind away from the warm body in his arms.

Lee let out a happy little sigh and hugged him tightly. "I have been wanting this."

"You have?"

Lee nodded, resting his head against Gai's shoulder. "I still need you, you know."

"There is not much more you can learn from me. You are no longer a child in need of guidance and protection. You've become a very capable ninja."

"Thank you," Lee said softly. "Those words mean a lot to me. But…even if I am grown now, I _do _still need you, Gai-sensei. Just in a different way."

Gai's heart galloped. He knew it was only his own perverted imagination that made those words sound so…suggestive. So inviting. He could feel Lee's warm breath on his ear. He gulped and trembled, trying to get himself under control. _Oh, Lee…dear, innocent Lee, you have no idea what you're doing to me…_

"You are still my most important person, Gai-sensei," Lee whispered.

Gai held him tighter and closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Lee's body against his. After a moment, he opened his eyes, placed his hands on Lee's shoulders, gently pushed him away and held him at arm's length. "You are _my_ most important person, too. And you always will be. But you won't always feel this way about me, you know." He forced a smile. "One day, you'll find someone who means much more to you than your old teacher."

Lee's brow wrinkled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean one day you'll have a special person in your life. A mate. When you find that person, she—or he—will take my place in your heart. But that's all right. That's part of growing up."

Lee stared at him a moment, his eyes wide. Then he looked away. His shoulders trembled.

"Lee? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I am fine." Lee gave him a strained smile, then looked away.

"Have I upset you?"

Lee was silent a moment. "I just…I do not understand. Are you telling me that I care about you too much? That I need to grow up and stop needing you?"

"That isn't what I'm saying at all. I just—" He took a deep breath, thinking about how best to phrase this. "There are different kinds of bonds. And…some of them naturally tend to overshadow others. When a child is very young, his parents are more important to him than anyone, but as he grows older, that changes. The old bonds don't go away, but…well, you see what I'm saying."

"You are not my parent, though."

"I was just using that as an example. What I'm saying is, I don't want your bond with me to hold you back or prevent you from forming other bonds with people your own age. I know that you care very much about Sakura-san."

"Well, yes, but...we are more like friends now."

"But that may change. Or you may find someone else. Someday you will marry, Lee. You're too good a person to be single for the rest of your life. You will form a bond with your true love, whoever he or she is--a bond that is even stronger than the one you have with me."

Lee hugged his knees to his chest. "I feel as if you are pushing me away."

"That's not it at all."

"Is it not?" He stared at the ground. "You have been distant lately. You do not touch me anymore. Sometimes you will not even meet my eyes. It makes me wonder if I have done something wrong, if I have disappointed you in some way."

"Lee…" Gai lay a hand on his shoulder. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"Then what?" he whispered.

Gai hesitated. "Things change. That's all."

"I do not want things to change between us. I am afraid of losing you."

"I'll always be a part of your life." Gai smiled. "That's a promise."

Lee smiled back, but his eyes were sad and uncertain.

* * *

That night, Gai lay awake, tossing and turning. Stray images flitted through his mind. He thought about the clean, straight lines of Lee's well-honed body—muscular, yet still slender and youthful—the dark luster of his hair in the sunlight, the shape of his mouth, the sound of Lee's voice saying his name. And those eyes. Those great big eyes, so dark and deep that Gai could fall into them, drown in their sweet depths and lose himself forever…

His heart thumped. His mouth was dry, his palms damp with sweat, his cock so hard and engorged it almost hurt.

_Get a hold of yourself, _he thought. _He's sixteen. Sixteen! And he's your student._

Shame rose up, hot and thick, choking him. But it didn't quell his desire. His full balls ached for release.

Gai didn't masturbate very often. Not because he thought it was wrong or unclean, but because sex—even the solo variety—made him uncomfortable on a very personal level. His own sexuality was a largely unexplored terrain. He'd known since adolescence that he was gay, but he'd never had a real relationship with anyone. When he found himself aroused, he would divert that energy into training—and if that didn't take care of it, he'd bring himself to orgasm as quickly as possible, usually in the shower. He rarely indulged in fantasies.

Now, though…

Gai gritted his teeth. He tried to clear his mind. When that didn't work, he got out of bed and did push-ups for awhile, then pull-ups, then squat-thrusts. No good. His cock was still hard and throbbing.

A voice in his mind told him he was being stupid. He could satisfy this need with a little spit on his palm and a few strokes. But he knew that when he touched himself, he would think about Lee. He wouldn't be able to help it. And that was wrong—so very wrong.

He sat on the edge of the bed, pulled a kunai from the drawer and pressed the point into his thigh, focusing all his attention on the pain. Blood welled up, thick and dark, and he clenched his teeth as he pushed the knife-point deeper. Gradually, his erection wilted.

Gai washed and bandaged the wound, then went to bed.

He dreamed.

Images and sensations filled his sleeping brain. Warm, supple skin yielded to his hands; small, sensitive nipples stiffened, obeying the strokes of his fingertips; smooth cheeks flushed, and lips parted for his tongue. Lee's voice whispered, _Take me, Gai-sensei. I need you… _And Gai submerged himself in that hot, tight young body.

He woke to sticky, sweat-damp sheets. Gai stared at the come-stain on his bed sheets, then wadded them up and threw them in the laundry hamper. He sat on the edge of the bed, fingers buried in his hair, elbows resting on his knees.

He remembered Lee's confession to him on the night before his surgery, almost two years ago. From time to time, Gai thought about asking Lee if he still felt that way, but he was afraid of the answer. If Lee said yes, what then? They couldn't have a relationship. Student-teacher relationships were not strictly forbidden, if the student was of age, but they _were _frowned upon, and for good reason. There was far too much potential for exploitation.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. Lee's feelings had surely changed by now. He was no longer an insecure child, but a handsome, confident young man, the equal of any Chunin in the village. He could probably have his pick of the girls, if he ever bothered to pursue someone other than Sakura...and there was no shortage of boys who'd welcome his affections, too. Why should he choose a man fourteen years his senior?

Gai took a deep breath and rose to his feet. He needed a shower, and he needed to stop thinking about this. He _couldn't _have a relationship with Lee, and that was that.

He went into the bathroom and stood in the shower for about forty minutes, letting the water beat down on his back. At last, he returned to bed, but he didn't sleep.

-To be continued


	10. Chapter 10

Tsunade sat, hands folded on her desk, staring at Gai. "You look like hell."

Gai, sitting across from her, shrugged. He knew what he looked like. He'd seen himself in the mirror that morning: bloodshot eyes ringed by dark flesh, skin a shade too pale, hands that wanted to tremble. It was an effort to hold them steady. "I haven't been sleeping well lately." He rubbed his cheek, feeling the tickle of stubble against his palm. He'd forgotten to shave, too. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I need help."

"You don't have to come to me just to get a prescription for sleeping pills."

"It's not that. I mean, that's part of it, but my real problem is…more complicated. I'm not sure you'll be able to help me, but I need to try _something_. I can't go on like this. I'm going insane."

Tsunade frowned and waited.

Gai took a deep breath, preparing himself. "Tsunade-sama…tell me, by any chance, is there a Jutsu that can suppress sexual desires?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, though it comes at a great cost to the subject. Why do you want to know?"

"I'd rather not discuss it in detail."

"If I'm going to be performing this Jutsu on you, I want to know why."

Gai had been afraid of this. He hung his head. "Recently, I've become…sexually attracted to one of my students. A boy of sixteen." His hands began to tremble again, and he clenched them.

"And for this reason, you want to seal away your sexual desires?"

"Yes."

Her frown deepened. "A relationship with a student would be inappropriate, of course, but as long as you don't act on your feelings…"

"You don't understand. This is not something I can just ignore. I've been fantasizing about him every night. I can't stop myself." Now that the dam had broken, the words spilled out faster, and he realized that—ashamed though he was—it was a tremendous relief to finally _tell _someone. "I'm obsessed with him. I've never felt this strongly about anyone. I can't even hug him anymore without thinking about…about…" He shut his eyes, feeling the sting of tears. "I know it's wrong. I _know. _I'm his teacher. I'm fourteen years his senior. For years he was like a son to me, and that just makes this worse. I feel like I'm lusting after my own child. But no matter how often I tell myself that it's perverted and evil and sick, it makes no difference. The feelings are still there. I keep asking God to take it away, but He won't take it away. I—" Gai's voice trembled and broke, and a raw, hoarse sob escaped him. He buried his face in his hands. "I just want it to stop."

"I see." Her voice was quiet, calm. He heard no judgment in it. Though it could have been his imagination, there might have even been a hint of compassion.

Gai raised his head and took a deep breath. When he'd regained some measure of control, he continued. "I've been withdrawing from him, physically and emotionally, because that's the only way I know how to deal with this. But now he's confused and hurt because he thinks I'm displeased with him. He doesn't understand, and I can't tell him the real reason. I don't want to hurt him. Please help me."

Tsunade leaned back in her chair and drummed her fingernails on the desk, her expression pensive. "If you're sure about this, I can perform the Jutsu and seal away your desires. Not just your feelings for this boy, mind you—for as long as the seal holds, you will be unable to feel sexual arousal of any sort. Are you all right with that?"

"That's fine." He could live without masturbating, which had been the extent of his sex-life, anyway. Preserving his bond with Lee meant much more to him. "How long do you think the Jutsu will hold?"

"A few years is typical. But I warn you, this technique can damage the subject's body. It could even shorten your lifespan. Think long and hard before you put yourself through this."

"I have no choice."

"Are you sure about that? There might be some other option you haven't thought of. Do you often find yourself attracted to boys his age?"

"N-no. I have never…I've always been attracted to males, but in the past, it's always been men my own age." Mostly one particular man. Of course, his feelings toward his rival had mellowed into friendship over the years…and even at their strongest, those feelings had been only a fluttering candle next to the roaring bonfire of need he felt for Lee. "Am I a pedophile?" he blurted out, giving voice to the fear that had tormented him for months.

"I doubt that. He's sixteen—not really a child. And you said yourself that this is the first time you've been attracted to a younger male."

"But still…if people knew, they might think…"

She shrugged. "Society likes to slap labels on people, but reality is usually more complex than that." A pause. "This student of yours…do you have any idea how he feels about you?"

"He sees me as a father-figure. At least, I think so."

"You think so?"

He hesitated. "A few years ago, he professed feelings for me. But nothing came of it, of course. I--I know it's not uncommon for children that age to develop a crush on a favorite teacher, but he hasn't said anything about it since. It was a phase, I'm sure." And Gai often saw him together with Sakura these days--even if he said they were just friends. "But regardless of how he feels, I can't possibly act on my desires. It wouldn't be good for him, having his first relationship with his teacher. It would be better for him to find an equal, someone his own age. I don't want it to be for him like it was for me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"When I was sixteen, I…there was a man. A Jonin Anbu member, someone I liked and admired. He hurt me."

She raised her eyebrows. "No one serving in _my _Anbu, I hope."

"He's dead now. Killed during a mission. I shouldn't have even told you that. It wasn't…he didn't force me, exactly, it was just…never mind. It doesn't matter." God, he _must _be tired. What had possessed him to share that bit of personal information with the Hokage? "I just don't want to ever make Lee feel like that."

"So it _is _him. I thought so."

Gai winced. He hadn't meant to share Lee's identity with her…though she probably would have guessed, anyway. "Yes. You understand, then, why I have to do this. I love him so much. I want things to stay the way they are between us. I want to be his teacher and friend for as long as he needs me, and I can't do that with these feelings in the way." And he wanted to hold Lee again—to feel his closeness and warmth, his heartbeat, without the distracting arousal or the accompanying guilt.

Tsunade stared at him with cool, amber eyes. "It's your choice. You're sure about this?"

"I'll do whatever it takes."

"Very well. I'll start the preparations."

Gai exhaled softly. "Thank you. I appreciate this more than I can say."

* * *

Soon afterward, Gai knelt in a ring of symbols drawn on the floor of Tsunade's office, shirtless, his hands planted on the floor.

Tsunade applied another symbol with an ink-dipped finger. "I should probably explain the procedure to you in a little more detail, just so you have some idea of what to expect."

Gai nodded.

"Sexual arousal is the result of a complex flow of chakra throughout the body. It originates in the brain and travels downward through the internal organs. Sometimes it passes through the heart, then the stomach. Sometimes it bypasses both and travels through the kidneys. Because this energy is a natural part of you, rather than an external force like a curse, a conventional sealing Jutsu won't work. I'll have to make certain alterations to your body to redirect the flow of chakra."

"I'm not sure I'm following."

"What it boils down to is this: I'll have to carve the sealing marks directly into your internal organs. One on your stomach, one on each kidney, and one on your heart."

"And you can do that without cutting me open?"

"Yes…with a very narrow, very sharp beam of chakra. Not many healers could pull it off without killing someone—you need exceptional control—but it _can _be done. Of course, there is still some risk. Penetrating the internal organs is dangerous, whether it's done with chakra or a blade. I'll take steps to control the internal bleeding and minimize the damage, of course, but even so…"

"The seals won't inhibit my chakra flow in any other way?"

"No. It won't affect your ability to fight. But it _will_ be quite painful. I can't put you under. You have to be conscious in order for the Jutsu to take effect…and you have to maintain that position throughout. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Good."

He took a deep breath, his jaw tight, and braced himself.

"Relax, I still have a few preparations to make." She dipped her finger in the jar of ink and applied another symbol to the floor. "It may not be any of my business, but does the boy know you're doing this?"

"No. And I'd rather he didn't find out. He would only feel guilty. But this is a small sacrifice to make, if it will allow me to remain part of his life."

"He means that much to you?"

"He is everything to me."

Tsunade gave him an odd look. His bond with Lee, he knew, was something other people had difficulty understanding. How could he possibly explain it to her?

He remembered when Lee was younger, how good it had felt to hold him—just hold him. He remembered that simple, innocent tenderness. Back then, there had been no need for anything more. Now, every time he touched Lee, things stirred and clenched low in his body, and a feverish need swept through him, burning and consuming his thoughts. The need was his enemy. It stretched his heart on a rack of shame and forced him to withdraw from Lee. It was driving him away from his most important person.

He wanted no more of it.

Gai's hands pressed harder against the floor, and a muscle in his jaw twitched. "I'm ready."

"Right, then," she said. "Let's get started."

* * *

Gai had been wounded in battle many times. Over the years, he'd broken just about every bone in his body. He'd thought he understood pain. He'd thought it couldn't surprise him anymore.

He was wrong.

As Tsunade's chakra sliced into his body, his muscles went rigid. The sensation was like hot, barbed wire digging into the soft meat of his insides…and it grew more intense with each passing second. He locked his jaws tight against the scream building in his throat, but it was no use. He screamed. Blood bubbled into his throat, choking him, and ran from one corner of his mouth.

After a few minutes, Tsunade raised her hands, panting. "That one is finished," she said. "I'll let you rest a moment before I start on the next one."

"There's more?" His voice wavered

"It's going to be awhile, I'm afraid. Can you hold out?"

Gai took a deep breath, looked up and forced a smile. "Sure. This is nothing. Go on--I don't need to rest. Let's just get it done with."

Tsunade placed a hand on his back, and the pain started again.

* * *

The entire procedure took about an hour, though it felt like much longer. At last, Tsunade straightened, wiped her brow with one sleeve, and sighed. She handed Gai his shirt, and he slipped it on.

She could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen him in something other than his traditional green jumpsuit. He looked almost like a different person . His usually neat hair was disheveled, his jaw rough with stubble, his eyes pits of shadow.

He gave her a weary smile. "Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

She nodded. "Remember, the effects will start to wear off in a few years. After that, if you want to remain this way, I'll have to reapply the seals."

He winced. "Hopefully it won't be an issue by then. I really don't want to go through that a second time. But I will if I have to."

Tsunade stared at him. Most people in Konoha viewed Maito Gai as a cheerful fool; loud, brash and good-natured, if somewhat eccentric. She wondered how many people had seen this side of him. She wondered how many had ever bothered to look.

* * *

Lee woke and stared at his ceiling.

About a year ago, he had moved out of Gai's apartment and gotten a place of his own. Living alone was hardly a new thing for him. He'd lived alone for quite a few years before Gai took him in.

Still, he'd found it hard to adjust. Though he still spent a lot of time with his sensei, he missed eating breakfast with Gai, missed the comfort of drifting off to sleep, knowing his most important person was just down the hall.

Those few, precious years he'd lived together with Gai-sensei had been the happiest of his life. He supposed their separation had been inevitable, though. Their living situation had been unusual to begin with. As Lee grew older, people had started talking. Indecent, they muttered. A man and a teenage boy sleeping under the same roof—and both of them in those tight jumpsuits! Of course the rumors had started flying. Lee had not wanted to cause Gai any embarrassment…so when Gai asked him one morning if he wanted a place of his own, he'd said yes and moved out a few weeks later. His current apartment was a vast improvement over the cramped, roach-infested unit where he'd lived as a child, but it just wasn't home without Gai.

Lee finished his breakfast, left his apartment and walked down to the field where he usually met Gai for training. His sensei was waiting there for him.

Lee approached, feeling oddly timid. Gai had been so distant lately. Lee was afraid to reach out, afraid of being pushed away again.

But now, as he drew nearer, Gai turned to him, smiled warmly, and pulled Lee into a bear-hug. Lee's breath caught in his throat. His heartbeat quickened. Then, slowly, he slipped his arms around Gai's waist and hugged him back. "Good morning, Gai-sensei."

"Good morning, Lee!" Gai squeezed him tighter, then released him. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine." Something was different. He looked up into Gai's eyes. They were warm and affectionate, but still…there had been something in them yesterday that was gone now. It puzzled him.

"I hope you ate a good breakfast. I thought we might go to the mountains today and spend some time climbing. We could each tie one hand behind our backs if we need an extra challenge. Think you're up to it?"

"Of course!"

"I'll race you there." He winked. "If we don't get there in ten minutes, we have to do five hundred laps around the village when we return."

"Gai-sensei, it is a four-hour journey to the mountains! No one could get there in ten minutes. Even if we opened our gates…"

"What's that I hear?" said Gai with mock indignation. "Are you doubting your own strength? Such un-youthful words must not go unpunished!" He wrestled Lee to the ground and tickled his sides.

Lee gasped. "G-Gai-sensei!" He giggled breathlessly and tried to wriggle out from under him.

They rolled across the grass together, wrestling. Lee flushed when he realized he was getting hard; he gulped and flipped onto his stomach, hiding the bulge in his jumpsuit.

What was going on? Gai had not been this tactile and playful with him in years. Oh, it was exhilarating—his sensei's touch was like a drug, making him giddy and lightheaded—but what had triggered this change? Just yesterday, Gai had seemed skittish about a simple hug.

Gai stopped tickling him and lay in the grass, smiling. Lee willed his erection to subside, then rolled onto his side to face him. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I feel wonderful."

"You seem so…well, youthful. More so than usual, I mean. Did something good happen?"

He chuckled. "Does a man need a reason to be in a good mood? It's a beautiful day. We're healthy and in the prime of our lives. The grass is green, the clouds are white and I'm with my favorite person. Is that not enough reason to be happy?"

"Of course. I just wondered. Yesterday you seemed so distant."

"That's all over now, Lee. I was going through a bit of a rough patch, but I've got everything sorted out."

Lee felt his face relax into a smile. "I am glad."

Gai stood, brushed grass off his jumpsuit, and offered a hand to Lee, who took it. Gai helped him up. "To the mountains!" He broke into a run, and Lee ran after him.

They hadn't gone far from the village when Gai collapsed. It happened very suddenly. One moment he was bounding along, leaping between trees and racing across fields…then halfway across a grassy meadow, he stumbled, fell to his hands and knees, and retched onto the ground.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee ran to him and crouched by his side. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing." Gai wiped his mouth. "Just…" He threw up again and panted for breath, clutching his stomach. He was shaking.

"You are ill! We must go back to the village."

"I'm fine." Gai gave him a strained smile. "Really."

Lee looked at the puddle on the ground, and his eyes widened. A swirl of blood ran through the yellow bile. He gripped Gai's shoulder. "Gai-sensei, I will not allow you to train in this condition. You are always telling me that I should take it easy when I am not well. The same applies to you." He put on his best stern expression, trying to conceal his fear. "We are going back right now."

"Lee…" Gai lay a hand over his. "We can go back if that will ease your mind, but there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm not sick. She warned me this might happen."

"She?"

"Lady Tsunade." He paused. "I…had a medical Jutsu performed on me this morning, and she warned me that there could be side-effects."

"What side-effects?"

His gaze shifted to the left. "Nausea, stomach cramps, that sort of thing. Nothing serious. It doesn't even hurt, really." Gai's face belied his words; his eyes were glazed and dilated with pain, his skin pale and sweat-damp, his breathing ragged and labored.

"I still think we should return," said Lee. "We can go to the mountains another day."

"Really, it's not bad—"

"Please, Gai-sensei. You have taken care of me so many times when I was ill or injured. It is my turn to take care of my special person now."

Gai's face softened, and he nodded. "All right." He staggered to his feet.

Lee slipped an arm around him, supporting him. "Has it been like this all morning?"

"It comes and goes," murmured Gai. He winced and pressed a hand to his stomach.

"What in the world did she do to you?"

Gai hesitated. "I had a condition. It had been troubling me for some time before I finally gave in and sought help…but I'm glad I did. Even if the Jutsu was unpleasant, it's a relief to have my problem taken care of."

Lee hesitated. He wanted to ask Gai what this mysterious condition was, but he had the feeling it was something Gai didn't want to talk about. Otherwise, he would have just told Lee outright. "Here." Lee turned and bent his knees slightly. "I can carry you piggyback."

"You don't have to. I can walk."

"I want to. It will be good training for me."

Gai chuckled. "Very well." He climbed onto Lee's back and wrapped his arms and legs around him. Lee bounded through the trees, toward Konoha. Gai was larger than him, and carrying him was a little awkward—they probably made an absurd sight—but he didn't care. He just wanted to help his dear teacher, his best friend, the man he loved.

* * *

About an hour later, they arrived back in Gai's apartment. Lee helped Gai into bed and pulled the covers up over him. "How is your stomach?"

"It'll be fine." Gai felt as if there were hot knives twisting in his gut. The worst of the effects would last a few days, Tsunade had said. She'd warned him that he might see blood in his bodily fluids, that he would have to stick to mild foods for awhile and avoid putting any undo strain on his system.

A small price to pay, if it meant being able to hold Lee again.

Lee knelt by the bedside and looked at Gai with wide, concerned eyes. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Nothing at the moment. Just sit with me." He looked into that sweet, earnest face, smiled and gave Lee a thumbs-up. "I'll be fine. That's a promise. And you know how seriously I take my promises."

Lee's face relaxed into a smile. He took Gai's hand in both of his and gently squeezed. Then, after a moment, he rested his head on Gai's chest. Gai put an arm around his shoulders. "Promise me that if it does not get better within a few days, you will see Tsunade-sama again," Lee said quietly.

"I promise." He stroked Lee's hair, then wrapped his arms around him and held him gently.

A flush crept into Lee's cheeks. "You have not been this affectionate with me for a long time."

"Haven't I? That was my mistake, then."

"N-no, I do not mean—I was not accusing you. I just wondered..."

"I've been troubled about certain things. But I'm fine now." He continued to stroke Lee's hair. "I'm sorry if you felt lonely. I shouldn't have neglected you."

"It is all right, Gai-sensei." Lee closed his eyes. "I am just glad to have you back. The way you were, I mean. I missed your touch."

"I missed yours, too."

* * *

Over the next few days, the pain gradually faded. Tsunade had warned him that there might be complications in the future, but for now, he felt normal enough. He returned to his usual routine with Lee.

At the end of a long, satisfying day of training, he and Lee returned to Gai's apartment. Gai made curry, and they ate dinner together. They hugged, then Lee left to return to his own apartment.

Gai looked down through the window. On the street, he saw Sakura run up to Lee, saw him stop suddenly. For awhile, they stood, just talking together. Though Gai couldn't hear what they were saying, he saw that they were both smiling.

After a few minutes, they hugged. Then Sakura turned, waved, and walked away.

Gai turned from the window.

Lee would find someone, he was sure--perhaps Sakura, perhaps someone else. He would fall in love. He would marry and have children—have a normal life. And Gai would be left behind. He would always be there for Lee, someone for Lee to rely on, to talk to when he was troubled, but he would no longer be the center of Lee's world. Lee had grown up.

There was an aching emptiness in Gai's chest. All the same, he felt a sense of relief, a quiet, sad happiness.

This was as it should be.

Wasn't it?

* * *

Lee watched Sakura walk away.

He'd been talking to her more lately. She'd been coming to him for advice about someone she liked, and he'd given it to her: _Just tell him how you feel._

But Lee was a hypocrite, and he knew it. After all, he couldn't tell the one he loved how he felt. Well, all right, he had--once--but he'd been twelve years old; of course nothing had happened. Things were different now. He was older. And his feelings had not changed. There was only one person he had ever wanted...and it was the one person he could not have.

He felt someone's gaze on the back of his neck and looked up at Gai's window. But Gai had already turned away.

Lee stood in the street for a moment longer, wrestling with the temptation to go back up to Gai's apartment, to knock on his door. He spoke the words in his mind: _I have something to tell you, Gai-sensei. Do you remember that night before my surgery? Do you remember what I said to you? I bet you think that after all this time, I cannot possibly feel the same, but the truth is...  
_

He'd rehearsed his confession speech countless times. Had even written it out (and then burned the pages, afraid someone might find them). But of course, he'd never said anything. Because he knew what Gai's answer would be: _I am your teacher, Lee. There can't be anything between us._ And hearing those words would crush him.

So he turned, his heart like a stone, and walked back to his own apartment. Not home, he thought. His apartment was just the place he slept.

Home was with Gai.

-The End

AN: I know this isn't the happiest of endings…but then, it's not really an ending, things have just come full circle to where I started with "Closer." Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed.


End file.
